I like to believe that I've got a lot of guardian warriors sittin' on my shoulder including my dad ~ Patrick Swayze

My dad… En. Mansor TNB.

Today is my dad's birthday. May God grant him health and good life many years to comes. At 64 years old of course his health deteriorates. His spirit to live sometimes damped too. Can’t blame him but the least his life is good. His joy is seeing us coming home to visit. Though he did not say much but his eyes tell thousand words.

He is a very strict father. I cannot recall much about me and him having a good talk or chat when I was small. To stand in front of him means I’m going to get ass whooping or scolding. Dad is a serious business. No nonsense.

In that small town of mine..everyone knows my dad – Mansor TNB.

He is a very friendly person. Likeable and he has a very big heart. Too big that often got him into trouble like being cheated. Yet, he keeps his cool and said I help sincerely…if that person chose to cheat me he will get his ‘portion’ sooner or later. Just wait. This statement often get my mom furious. Well ..better not go into that so much. Mom and dad argument is best to leave it as it is. Do not every interfere because at the end you will be the bad guy.

I do not wish to travel back in time and corrected my past. I just wish I am a better daughter to him in so many ways. Wishing is fool’s hope they say… so I chose to cherish every moment now. Let gone be by gone…

One of the best memories I have with him is when we went for Umrah 2014/2015. Both, sweet and bitter moments which at the end it is more to self-discovery for me. You will not know how patience you can be until you handle your parent. Plus you are in Holly Land…it just gets better, trust me.

By then I understand and had clarity on lots of things. Nothing last forever yes, instead of living in state of denial I am afraid to lose my parent ..dad especially. I learned to accept things better. It is not something you can rehearse or prepare but it helps when you open your mind and heart to it.

My dad is a man with a clean heart. His father thought him well. To live life to the fullest, first you must clean your heart. Correct your direction, path and journey and don’t forget to have faith. Trust in God…pray during your hard time and good time.

Cherish every moment with your loves one…

In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years ~ Abraham Lincoln

Tomorrow is Chinese New Year... 2017 is Rooster Year. I am born a Dragon so that is another few years to go. It is only January and yet I felt I do not have enough time to do much. February is even shorter month for me. I will be in the office half a month only. Tons of things to do.

How is my 2017 so far. Well it has been good. I m pretty sure that 'life challenge' is lurking somewhere..waiting to hit me anytime. Bang! and your are now in trouble ..mess..whatever they call it.

Remember the cat that I rescued.... well he is not with us anymore. I only manage to take care of him for a week. Something bad happened that left me to wonder what wrong did I do ? Tried to blend him with my two sons. Of course there will be resistance and territorial behavior, 90% of the time it will be alright at the end.

Second day I start to notice that this cat is something wrong somewhere. He will come and roll at your feet for a belly rub. When you start to rub him ..split second he will bite you and ran to hide. Same goes when he lay down next to you...he will find your eyes and stare at you in fear...thereafter he will bite or claw your face and run away to hide. I m like ? What the hell is wrong with this cat.

I Google and found that this cat has touch intolerance... he is fear of affections. By then I suspect that this cat has been abused. Still I am adamant to keep him though deep down inside I just cannot bond with him. There is no chemistry nor bowing down from him to me. Unlike Chelsea when I took him...he blend with us and Domino after two three days.

On Friday that week...I let him wander around with supervision. Just in case a fight broke between him and my sons. Fair enough...while Domino was running and playing...he mistakenly took it as a threat. He ran and attack Domino...I screamed for Shan to rescue either one. Shan was bitten and scratch severly... Domino got his tail and rear end bite severely too. Blood was every where...

It hit me hard... What Have I Done ?.... manage to separate the two. I put the new cat into another room. Domino just keep running away from me. His tail bleed. I took Shan to the clinic...got a jap.

Came back home...as I went to see the new cat ..he manage to escape from the room. He is still in fighting state...wildly looking to attack whoever is there.

Then I realize.... I cannot help this poor guy with presence of other cats. He must be badly abused until his state of mind is so wild. Every little thing is a threat or a danger thing to him. I have to make decision then... either my sons or this guy. The new cat is gone ....

Domino's wound did not end that night. After a week...one of the wound burst into pass. Apparently he got bitten twice and all the other three is swelling. He stayed for 4 days at the animal hospital. The day I want to take him back...that stupid doctor said he want to perform minor surgery because the wound did not heal properly. I got so so so damm angry!... 4 days the charges is already RM1K... another surgery ??? are you mad ???

I took Domino home and his wound still open...four holes on his rear back. I sank into despair..thinking hard how do I treat this wound. Then I remember Haruan fish. Thankfully a friend of ours has it. He prepare for Domino. Praised the lord... Domino's wound healed in 1 week.

Hard lesson learned..... never ever swallow more than you can chew.

During all these drama mama.... I was down with fever. It did not subside after 3 days despite I went to hospital. My blood checked for viral fever, it came back with mild infections. Few days of antibiotic will do. After the 4th day I could not contain anymore. Again I went to the same hospital. Since I now develop flu, they checked for Influenza and I was positive Influenza B. Thankfully it was not Influenza A.

My company's kick-off for 2017 schedule to be in Sabah. Yeah..since was hospitalize..bye bye the trip. Warded for 4 days and I then discharged with series of medications, antibiotics, cough mixture..name it. I could run a pharmacy.

To date it is almost a month and I still am coughing. Cough is not one disease that easily will go away. My sister gave me a tip... just walk among the big crowd like shopping mall or central stations... just pass the cough to someone else. She said it works for her especially if she got cough or fever. I said Ok.... will try but if I bring back another disease... I m gonna kick your ass! We laugh..remembering Achmed the dead terrorist!

I can't wait for this long weekend... got lots and lots of thing to do. Request came for Siakap Stim Serai ...hmm...got to find that recipe shortly.

Me and my sisters got a big spring cleaning to do. I have 2 cupboard that I did not touch for the past 2 years. God knows what is inside...my sarees... my jubah...and ...oh well. Let see later. Donate some... dispose the rest.

Anyway...I hope and wish we all have a very good year. No matter what happen do not ever lose hope. Sometimes it feel like everything just turn to dust and drifted away. A small hope is enough to keep you going... always believe that you can do anything that you want...

The world is changing..rapidly. What used to be a norm is not that normal anymore. From what I can see those who at the rock bottom..they are not making way to the top. World leaders is not that 'world' anymore. They are not busy fighting their own demons.

A year later... part II

Friday 9th December 2016...I welcome a new baby into the family. We got our hands full since Monday last week. Run up and down ..babysit my niece, packing for my sis confinement later..all sort.Thankfully everything went smoothly. Name wise...still figuring it out.

In between anxiously waiting for the baby arrival, my immediate manager her mom passed away peacefully. She fell ill for almost a year already. Me and the team did went to the funeral parlor to pay last respect. Everything was done and settle over the weekend too. She is back to work on Thursday. Staying at home also nothing much can be done.

That is the problem about losing our love ones. Life goes on yes, but things will never be the same. Our routine changed...we will never see that person again. Everything has to be re-adjusted. It will take a long time and sometime a life time too. A friend of mine once tell..it took her years and years to be able to let go after her father's passing.

Going to work in December...everyday feel like 31st Dec. Office is half empty, everyone is going on leave. Me on the other hand enjoying my office hour job.

We recently had Secret Santa give exchange. Everyone is so excited yet worried when our HR put give value not more than RM20. Seriously ? What to buy on that amount ? I guess what is small to me is big to others. I have to respect that. I got to be secret santa for one of my lunch buddies, I bought her Body Shop shower cream gift set.... and my CEO is my secret santa... he gave me Body Shop shower cream. It is like "Body Shop" day..get what I give kinda of situation.

Ever since I started working, this Secret Santa games has been a tradition in every company that I worked with. Mind you the gift can be very 'trashy' or 'shitty'. Not every human being has that sincerity in giving. I remember seeing gifts like nail clipper, key chain... solar flower decoration, stack of plastic container... even worst the gift is a 'free gift' promotion items. It is so low man!

People say it is the thought that matters... yes of course and it works both ways. The giver too must have sincere and good thoughts to begin with. You want something nice ..yet not wanting to give. Anyway all done is done..we proceed to have dinner at Hilton Sentral.

Food was delicious and I just realize I am not that good in buffet as I used to be. On the way home I throw out almost everything. I guess it was the food combination..something just went wrong somewhere. Arrived home, shower and slept off. Thankfully it ended there.

The rest of the week went smoothly ..with a litle bumpy rides here and there. A colleauge of mine almost got con by a scam. She received message about her credit card being charged amount xxxx. Please call this number if you did not perform this transactions. She does not have any credit card with this particular back. Being a good Samaritans, she call the number and spoke to the 'officer' of the bank. She was told that her data has been compromised. It then lead to a report to so call 'Bank Negara'.

One thing trigger her was the 'officer' from Bank Negara cannot converse in English properly. The next day she sat for about an hour or so with that bank negara officer and when the life cut off...again she said very troublesome to speak to this guy. Cannot speak English. Then my other colleague was saying it cannot be ..because bank negara officer speak efficient English.

I quickly google up the Bank Negara Helplink and passed to her. Just to check and confirm if the officer really work there. Then she got another call and she asked me to check with BNM.

When I make a call to BNM, the officer calmly said it is a scam. The sms was from a scammer, number appear is a scam number. BNM never did conduct or received report via phone. When it comes to investigation on fraud and scam...that is Police job..not theirs.

I walk up to my colleague and signal her to cut the call. This incident left us speechless. I mean we knew scam like this exist. Seeing warns by bank and BNM itself too many to count for. Little that we knew it will hit our own face one day. Lucky my colleague never share any information like IC copy and stuff.

Last weekend ... another chapter begin in my life. Sunday morning I went out to nearby cash & carry for some groceries shopping. Upon returning home as our car enter the condo compound, I saw a black cat sat in between the fence...there was a ginger cat busy clawing him.. territorial. I did not leave house thereafter. Then around 10pm, my other half said ..he saw the cat still at same place when he return home from shaving. I was like what ???... oh my.

Immediately I put on my jacket and drag him along to the fence location again.  My fear is the car is injured, paralyzed..broken bones. To my surprise the cat still there at that hour. Late evening it rains ..lucky was only a for a short while. When we walk up to him..it did not run just I saw him shivering in fear. Quickly scoop him up and wrap with my jacket.

I told my other half to march home on the double, fetch one of the cat carrier. I walk slowly. It is a male..black color about 6 7 months old. He got cut at his nose and lower lips. I believe he was tossed out from a car. How cruel human can be. Skin and bone thin also.

Took him home and take a good look in case there is other injury. Thankfully none. He is so scared and refuse to drink or eat. I left him inside our smallest room with food and water. An hour later, he is more settle and ate all the food. That night..was a nightmare..he woke up like 3 4 times. Very restless.

I have not decided then whether to keep him or not. Earlier I wanted to adopt a cat from my colleague. My two sons is very very territorial. I fear for that cat's life. Well.... here I am got another one in hand.

Monday came.. I cannot concentrate at work at all. Did the best I could and rushed home. That night I gave soft introduction to my two sons. Hell break loose a bit but it was alright.

Early morning on Tuesday ..power trip at my condo. I cannot sleep whole thereafter. Migraine started by the time power came back. I can tolerate not enough sleep but ..headache ..that is another story.

to be continue...

A year later..... part I

Whenever and where ever….I got something to pour. Looking back at the last update on this blog goodness gracious…last year!!.. I talked about blogging again one too many times until I stop because why bother saying things when you know it will never happen.

A friend of mine said…it will come. Just matter of time. Well, this is it I guess. December 2016. Three weeks into the New Year.

I can't recall much 2015...all I know is my childhood school friend Hafidz Helmi passed away few days before 2016. Blood cancer. He is one of the most wonderful kind hearted person I ever know. 

How was 2016 for me… a very exciting year of coursed. I finally manage to move forward from shift work into normal office hour job. It was a very difficult decision to make. After 5 years routine, to move on I felt a bit scared. Fear of the uncertainty,in case anything happen I will end up jobless.

After much thinking I decided to take the offer. I will be working from home. It is a USA based company – Zoom Video Comm Inc. Malaysia is just a support team. Who doesn’t want to be at home..work and get huge pay check. My work starts at 6am to 2pm from Monday to Friday.

I left in January 2016. When I tender my resignation.. the weight just lift up from my shoulder. The feeling that you finally moving to something else…it was a huge relief. My boss asked to reconsider which I did not of course. Subsequent to my resignation, another two colleague in same senior position also resigned. It is not something to be proud off but I felt all of us had enough.

It was a good learning ground. I learned so many things especially when it comes to dealing with human. I do believe till today …if the government want to continue with National Service, please include a programme to be a customer service, volunteer, animal lover..etc.. It will sure make our young generation a better human with integrity plus respect.

I have to served two months’ notice. I thought then it will be the longest two months of my life.  When the final day came I was on night shift schedule. It hit me then… when I woke up at 3pm that day I realize it is my last routine… last routine for everything..after nice shower and pray I head out to the office. Stop by for a meal. My shift starts at 8pm. The night went smooth too. Bid farewell to my team and that was it! The end of five years… beginning of new episode.

My farewell was a teary one. The team did a note book with tons of well wishes. I was so touched. Each of my colleague words is very personal. All I can say is I am so loved and cherished.

That new job working from home did not last long. The company decided to have an office. Above all places they chose Cyberjaya.  I manage to work from home till mid-April. Travelling up and down was a big issue.

Honestly, with such a small support team no one in clear state of mind will open office in Cyberjaya. Unless your company wanted MSC status or huge enough like customer service etc… sigh!I had some family matters to attend as well, since distance was a huge challenged and I decided to scout for another job.

A close friend told me to stay and walk through the obstacle. Face the challenge. Well, easier for him to say. I told him off that I am the kind of person who will look at all angles. Weight the situation carefully. Caused and consequences…after effect and stuff. I am far from being a quitter. He is not the one who looks into my cat’s eye and see how lonely they were… he is not the one who felt the house is empty without my presence… why bother battle when finding solutions is easier. Pick your battle so you will win on the long run.

Like an answered prayer I got opportunity to work in KL back. Working with the government this time, a whole new episode …again. This job is a totally brand new chapter in everything for me. I had to delete my Facebook account and open new ones. Too much political comments back then. Well… who doesn’t right. Especially when the situation is so obvious.

Then I learned a very great lesson for not becoming one of the keyboard warriors. Why not look at things in the different perspective.  What is your contributions to the world ? To your amily…friends, country.. lashing out frustration indeed easy..but does that make you a better person ? Things will not change overnight but we can make a different overnight…

During my working period with that US company…I realized that we are so far behind in this world. The huge world out there already move forward and faster… what we are now indulging to …its like sooooo yesterday for them..

Nonetheless, I did enjoy my tenure and meet wonderful people too. For that short period of time, my team still did a farewell. Cupcakes with cat’s decorations…so so sweet of them.

In this new company we have a small team here and all senior level in working experience. I am enjoying every moment now. Weekends…public holiday and annual leave. Meet new people again… in short period of time I have so many new faces in my life.

I do however still have that flash back moments. Especially weekends at 3pm. It is the time I usually wake up and get ready for night shift work. Like PTSD…

I’ve waited for opportunity to come..I mean in changing my job. Every time that I visited my parent, they are getting older by the day. Here I am still busy with work and chasing I am not sure what. So I say to HIM that I want to spend time with my parent. Give me that chance to be at their service before it is too late.  As we get older, we tend to realize how important parent is. Some may not be so lucky to have them.

~ Every phase of your lives demand a new you ~

To be continued….

Haramain ...21st Dec 2014 to 1st Jan 2015

2015.... 7 days into it.

Alhamdulillah...my Umrah journey went successfully. Both my mom and dad came back happy. I will start work this Friday. My parent safely back to Pekan too. The flood hit hard last year. Though away I still mange to follow what happen back home.

I am still recovering from fever, flu and sore throat. It is winter in Saudi tempreature between 17 to 20 degrees C. Beautiful weather but we are not build to live in it. 

The journey overall I understood many things that we often took for granted. I am glad to start my link with God again few years ago. It helps to hit my core of how important we take care of the relationship and links with our creator.

Our journey starts with Makkah. We took commercial flight Saudi Airlines. Thankfully our group is only about 200 pilgrims. 8 hours flight gave my parent a bit of challenged in a way. Then upon arrival in Jeddah the immigration procedure was smooth too. It was almost 8pm when we arrived in Jeddah. 

After all the procedures we got into our coach. One thing I can tell ...Malaysia really have a good name in Saudi. The airport officers usher and show us the way easily. 

We arrived into Makkah at midnight. Checked in and thereafter gather at lobby to perform our Welcome Umrah. Seeing Kaabah for the first time....feeling is overwhelmed. Our Mutawif guide us through. Then we continue for Sa'ei Safa and Marwa. Everything completed at almost 4am. 

Return to Hotel..we wait for Subuh then rest till Zohor. 

I must say it was so remarkable. Left us a very big longing feeling to go back. Its true what they say...the moment you in Ihram...that is when your true self revealed. Our true behaviour.

I do not have much difficulties on the journey wise. We arrived in Makkah first then Medina. 

My biggest challenge was dealing with my parent. Their behaviour really put me into test. They said Jihad with parent is to hold your words against them. Dealing with one true self was never easy.

My dad got his wake up call too. He is so worried about his leg...feet. His leg thumb kinda injured and until the day we arrived it did not heal. He was so worried and nervous. Will it bleed..will it bcome worst. Lucky our hotel is just 50 meter walk to Masjidil Haram. We stayed at Hilton Towers.

Allah showed him a man who has no leg...and he wheeled himself on a skateboard to perform Tawaf and sa'ei. My dad came back crying...how he has been so ungrateful about his leg problem. The least he still has leg.

Mine on the other hand was...time. I still being chase by limited time. Felt so short in between the 5 fardhu... Why? Because all my life I always say I have no time. 

During sa'ei safa and marwa... I cannot walk anymore and almost give up. My ankle sprained..not fully recover yet...7 rounds seems forever. Then Allah showed me an old Turkish lady...she is using walking stick and maybe she is about 70 years old. Far more energetic then I am...she walked pass me. Then I realize. This performance of mine is it for me or is it for Allah.

This season that we went..there is a lot of muslim from Balkan countries and also from India. I can tell u during our arrival tawaf...there is probably 1000 of this Bosnians and Turkish...they recite doa after doa. It makes you feel small in comparission of why did you make the journey in the first place.

During small briefing at KLIA, the mutawif reminded to reset your niat again...set it at correct course. I understood then what it mean.

We have to surrender to HIM. Clean your soul and mind. Do your best...and leave it to HIM.

The remaining days we saw lots of pilgrim from India...they put me to shame too. I spend thousand of ringgit to get new stuff...my abaya...scarf...shoes...tasbih..hijab..these pilgrim came with whatever they hv. Its the ibadat that matters...

I saw a group of ladies from Kolkata...their hijab probably has been recycle so many times. They were divided into groups with different color of hijab.  And I saw a group of men....their Ihram still made of cotton. New Ihram is towel type...

I am not pious overnight thats for sure..but I do understand many things that I don't before. We have to take care of our relationship with Allah....nothing else matter rather than our creator. HE will take care of us.

All those dunia matters...does not matter anymore. Up to the extend I do not mind if I am just a clean lady at Masjidil Haram... One solat there equal to 100,000 solat at other we perform..life is so peaceful. 

I m not worry about food as well. Feast on whatever it is that available. Skip meals is not a big deal.

We did outside tour too. Went to Jabal Rahmah then visit Arafah...mina and mudzalifah. 

We grew up to know that when you are old you should go for Haj. We should change the mindset. Go while your health is still good. 

To perform all the ibadat takes up a good mental and physical health. Umrah is not a big deal...the crowd is less...but Haj we are looking at millions each season.

Days passed and it is time to go to Madinah. Feel so sad to leave...

It was 5 hours journey from Makkah to Madinah. We stop at Wadi Qudait for dinner. 

The mutawif reminded us to be more patience in Madinah. Hold your patience as much as you can. 

I cried a lot in Madinah. It is overwhelm feeling... I read about Rasulullah all my life..to set foot in Madinah and to walk into Masjid Nabawi I cannot hold my tears. I did not make it to Raudah...there was so many people. Solat at Masjid Nabawi gave you that feeling...a feeling of missing Rasulullah s.a.w

Our outside tour ..wevwent to Masjid Quba and pass by Masjid Qiblatain plus Masjid Billal bin Rabah.

Pass by the Baqi tomb...sad that only men are allowed. How lucky if only women too can enter. Give salaam to all Rasulullah family and friends. They will be the first tomb being brought to life after Rasulullah on judgement day.

These two Haram land touched me so deep that I want to go again.... In sya allah...



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