June passed and here came July ; we are almost reaching to half of it. Ramadhan is approaching in couple of days time.
One of sign that we are getting older is the feeling of excitement going through another Ramadhan year after year. Deep down inside I am very grateful that I am still alive and kicking to celebrate this upcoming holy month. Whether or not I am going to be able to fast that is another story.
Health is in general OK, fever flu ...the normal stuff. The other matter of my health has not seize. Still walked through another long period of menstrual. I am just going to wait and see. Doctors appointment is coming up soon anyway. Maybe it has to be remove entirely....that is the best solution. I am going to find some traditional remedy now....who knows maybe it works.
Kind of hectic week for me. Mom is in town since last Sunday. It is nice and fun to have her around. My devilish nephew tag along of course. My brother skip school for a week. He cried his lung wanted to follow my mom to my house...what else to do. By right he suppose to be in school.
I was on night shift until Wednesday, pick her up from my 3rd sister's house and she spend the remaining days until Saturday morning. Thereafter I send her to my another sister's house in Setiawangsa. Dad came on Saturday as well. He had some family function in Temerloh earlier that morning.
After my shift this morning I make my way to Setiawangsa before they depart home. To see my dad's face beaming with broad smile upon seeing me is just priceless. We chat a bit and he is very very concern about my health now. They will try to work something out and let me know...maybe traditional is the best way. Still I need to see my Gyne to just look deep inside to see what is the problem this time.
Mom said, if it needed to be removed entirely just do it. Me on the other hand...to be open cut again and go through it all over again...sigh !...it is not like super fun where it is holiday like. The first surgery itself leave me with one thousand one million issue...be it my hair..my strenght...my immune system..name it. Hair drops like chemo therapy patient...i am easily tired...can't breathe properly too at times...the list just goes on.
It is not that I am not thankful for every other things that I have gracefully in my life now. I am just saying and sharing what has transpired. The eyes cast upon does not weight the same as the shoulder that carries it.
What can I do at this point of time is to just go along with it and try to settle whatever arise one by one.
For now...I am missing my family already. How I wish my parent can stay with me. Come back home and there is someone at home....rather than empty house. Noted that it is not a bed of roses daily when you have others staying with you...but we just have to live with each other's prick.
My mom told me that her mom died of stomach cancer...life for them scattered around there after. She was too young to understand. One by one of her siblings were taken away by relatives to be raised. Some were badly abused too. She works as baby sitter from one family to another until she was 19 years old.
When she return from KL back hometown she realize what poverty and lack of education did to people around. From there she said, set her mind that if she has family of her own she will ensure education is priority. So none of her children will walk her path.
Each of my uncle and aunt has their own stories while staying with these relatives. Bottom line growing without a proper family is very painful. From those stories of experience I heard from them...some of this relatives are very much alive..age catch up to them.
I do wonder how do they feel when they saw again the children under their care...that they fail to care for them. I mean don't they feel ashamed...because I do. I don't think I can bring myself to look at any of my mom's siblings eye to eye after all that I have done.
My mom said, his last brother was taken by my grandmother's brother. Badly abused, no school and beat up all the time. Back then there is not such thing as telephone and all. Until one day someone told my eldest uncle...please go and take back your younger brother. Which he did.
I heard about these tale often....only lately I tend to realize deep into it. It is like patching a puzzle. Where there a storm happen in the family...you will realize why it happen. Who and who did what.
Dad on the other hand grew up in a complete set of family....a bit dysfunctional in a way but he is in a pack.
He too has his own tale.
During one of the lunch I had with both my mom and sisters ; my sister told us that she went to fix her car with my dad...while waiting for the mechanic they sat and chat. She said....if only my last uncle is still around..he can do wonders as he is a good mechanic. So many vehicle around nowadays...he can easily make a fortune. My dad could not agree more with of course tears in his eyes....hmmm she and her big mouth. Then mom add....he still cannot let go of this one...the pain remain in his heart forever...carry it to the grave.
We heard...we learned....forgive and move on. A new generation is definitely better than the previous that is a certain.
Last two weeks I went to visit Shan's mom again. Her warmness just makes me count my blessing even more. She too catched up with age...comparing with my parent..her life is much simpler and straight forward.
Still her tale of life is spine chilling too. Especially her marriage life. Lucky for her ; all her sons stand by her side all the time. Safe guard. "Whatever internal issue between me and your father ; he is still your father and all of you to respect that". Strong lady with principal.
I told my mom...if this devilish nephew of mine in the care of Shan's mom....I can guarantee that lady will go in ICU in just days.
Hands on parenting and weekend parenting makes a vast different. City folks mostly are weekends parents. Only time they spend with their children is weekends or school holidays. They don't make much a skill parent. Their baby sitter are on the other hand skillful in the name of earning a living.
I am still down with fever...not much of temperature but inner heat. Drank gallons of water still remain the same. Just go with the flow...seeing medicines just gives me that puke like gestures...I am sick and tired of medication...
Let see what my parent will come up with on this traditional remedies.
My Hari Raya leaved has been approved...starts mid of July I am on night shift all the way till I leave for hometown...
My social policy remain unchanged....mix around but careful to blend in. Just know where your stand is. Better to just watch from a far.
Starlight Serenade
Birthday came and go. I am blessed and thankful to have such a wonderful people around. Felt so loved and cherished.
My special birthday present ...well a new handphone. Kinda of pampered am I ?....Amin ! Amin! I m grateful even there is none for me....the thoughts that count. Furthermore, to have to spend time with your love ones and all those wishes plus prayers...what more could I asked for.
Two of my best buddies also share the same birthday this month. A bit dramatic though...well we are drama queen anyway. Last year we spend time together three of us for lunch. Unable to do so this year..tight schedule and individual plans. Today is Joanna's Birthday and Monday 24th was Sandra's. Gotten both of them a nice garden in a glass from http://www.thesecretgarden.com.my/. Perfect gift for anyone actually.
These flowers are real...alive and can last for about 10 years with proper care.
My gifts...
Life goes on...counting my blessing for what I have been, what I am now and to the future. Taking in to a new level. Be mindful of my choice of words and the heart that whisper...
My special birthday present ...well a new handphone. Kinda of pampered am I ?....Amin ! Amin! I m grateful even there is none for me....the thoughts that count. Furthermore, to have to spend time with your love ones and all those wishes plus prayers...what more could I asked for.
Two of my best buddies also share the same birthday this month. A bit dramatic though...well we are drama queen anyway. Last year we spend time together three of us for lunch. Unable to do so this year..tight schedule and individual plans. Today is Joanna's Birthday and Monday 24th was Sandra's. Gotten both of them a nice garden in a glass from http://www.thesecretgarden.com.my/. Perfect gift for anyone actually.
These flowers are real...alive and can last for about 10 years with proper care.
My gifts...
Life goes on...counting my blessing for what I have been, what I am now and to the future. Taking in to a new level. Be mindful of my choice of words and the heart that whisper...
When what used to matters...does not matter anymore...
Talent is God given. Be humble. Fame is man-given. Be grateful. Conceit is self-given. Be careful.
John Wooden
With few more minutes into 4am, I just took a relief from work load. Still plenty to do at this wee hour. Rest my mind for a while. I guess it has become a habit lately that I only able to upload this blog during night shift.
It is not that I am running out of ideas nor things to say....just the timing during the day often clashed with something arise. The usual issue is I am too exhausted from the day to day job. Rest and run errand...that's it! I am at times racing against the sun.
Ever since I came back from that long medical leave, I am still adjusting myself into all those that once my daily routine. There are times I find it a bit hard to stand at the same momentum as I used to be before. The funny things is, certain things I am over the momentum and certain things I am a bit left behind. My memory fails me often too...apart from the hormone imbalance...I am losing hair like chemo still. It does not matter to me anymore...come what may. I will get my balance back.
Just taking one step at a time. It is not easy too. I have no answer to certain hick-up that happen as I cruise along. Be it work wise or daily day to day. I find myself a bit lost at times. Too many things in line with too little time.
The only gateway that I find to ease my stormy heart is prayers. Accept the challenge and obstacle with brave heart and move on from there. It is a bit disappointed at times when things that used to be your expertise become a challenge.
I am very reluctant to consume any medicines, unless the pain is unbearable then only I will take it. If not, I will rather stand it. Too much medication for the past two years. Even with this hormone imbalance, the doctor wanted to give hormone tablets to help regulate back whatever that has gone berserk in my system.
Well the news is, I have been on hormone pill ever since my medical condition. To be on it again...its like inviting that 'C' cell to populate faster. So, just bear with it and patience....
A few days ago, I went to visit my spiritual leader. He is doing ok. Health is also an issue for him apart from financial matters. As a healer and riding on the correct path of living, the challenge and obstacle does come to a point of unbearable. Business is slow for him. I told him that both me and Shan 'shaved' clean as well as the month end. Nothing extra nor affordable to spare. Just enough to sustain.
We chatted heartily too. Shared some stories from the past list of friends that we encounter. Gotten to know a few shocking incident too. People can really do anything in the name of dollar and cent. We just glad that these type of people are not in our path anymore.
Again, we don't have much grumble on this matter. Rather be grateful of what we have than what we don't have. Still there is food on the table and we manage to complete the circle of life without much hassle. The only problem is ...we only wish the financial balance either stay balance or increase.
The more we have the greater our commitment is. Life expand as we earned more and more.
My cast of prayers is for God to compensate all good things from all bad things. Abundance of blessing on all HIS giving rather than begging from others.
This month is my birth month. Few more years I am ending my 3 series era and venturing into the big 4. Age is just a number. Life goes on...with 20 years to retirement age I m sure I can make it. If however death cast upon, my only regret is, not doing enough to live to the fullest.
Moving forward, I want to take a step to reduce the sin of my tongue. I read an article about how to ease a stormy heart and why we often have such feeling. It is said that, we need to be mindful of our small little thoughts, words and actions that may seems to be harmless but still consider a sin in God's eyes. Its like an eye opener in a way. How little we thought about our daily doing. Often we focus on the bigger picture of evil and wrong doing. Small little devilish act does not take into consideration.
So much so on the spiritual matters. Most important is, be grateful of what we have. Life has changed me so much till what I am today. What used to matters ...does not matter anymore.
Forgive and let go....even if you are hurt the most. Time will heal it. Learned the lesson from it. There are something that money just cannot buy. Things like manners, attitude and integrity.
Take life as it goes. I will move on for sure if opportunity swing by. I miss travelling very much!
A man can't ride your back unless it's bent ~ Martin Luther King Jr.
Working night shift again. Two more nights to go. Alhamdulillah my health is getting better. Still ban from heavy or hard work. Just get my finger busy ..giving out and pointing instruction to my beloved Shan..to do this and that. Salute him to hold patience as a Saint..after all to handle me is not easy.
Not long after my last post updates that early morning...I was then a victim of racism. Damm it hurt so so bad! Cleaned up my FB friend list. Wipe out the entire blood relations ties and those profile picture that shows 'black'. I got no time for this nonsense. It has become plain annoying to see racist, politics and provocation. Cut the crap and just move on.
The pain for racism is beyond words can tell. Trust me, the hardest point to swallow is when I am standing a ground where I am surrounded by multi racial people around. Yes, there was exchange or words, opinions and commencements but it is business as usual over at my end here. We don't bring this matter into our daily routine...or maybe we are too busy to even notice it.
That day I went home wounded to the very core. Not only the remarks...the insult was unbearable even. God I hate it !..it did not stop there though. Upon I gave a piece of my mind, further insult came claiming it was not regret after all whatever that has transpired.
I was asked to change my name, religion and even label a traitor to my own race. My own race ? which makes me wonder...which one? as I have few blood of different race inside my vein...
At the end I chose to remain silent. I m not going to make two fools into an argument. It is pointless.
It took me hours after the first encounter to respond. Not because of I am afraid of them. It is just I am still finding the right word to shot back. Right words and sentence sharp enough yet smart enough not to bring further damage. Still I am so considerate and careful in fighting back.
War of words is easy to exchange but often does not serve the purpose. I am glad that I sat back and took time to respond. It is not the victory nor failure that counts. It is all about the level of respect at least in humanity manner.
Why this happen, simply because failure to respect of one to another. Maybe all these while I am living in denial that acceptance is always there. While the truth is, I never did fit in. I should had left it the way it is.
I shall only blend in but should not fit in.
It is funny how these type of people look so high up to the sky until they forget how green is
What happen that day was like a wake up call. It is time for me to move on and bring along myself with it. I forgive them with all my heart and may Allah forgive me as well.
Wound will heal...scar will remain and fade away. How am I going to face them again in the near future, I have no idea yet. Either we just ignore even upon rubbing shoulders or just pretend it never happened.
Whatever things that you want to do or say...always think twice. People say think too much and nothing will happen. Well, it is better than no thinking at all and casualty happen.
We all came from different level and background. Never ever under estimate or judge a person without know his/her history of life. As I said before, our collectible sins are merely because of words and speeches.
Even if we speak it in our heart it is enough to call it a sin. I am no angel, far from perfect anyway. At the end of the day, God knows probably how many bags or kilos of sins that I have made. Those that done with intention already one chapter, those un intentionally...hell break lose.
Follow your heart too much will kill you....follow your feeling too much will destroy you. We are give a set of mind to think, analyze and make wise decision. It may not be the best decision ever but the least we pause, think and then only make a move. Not blindly...
I am bless and always thankful for all that has happen to me for the pass 3 years. It has been tremendous change. My wishes fall into places....many more to achieve. Insya Allah ..may it will be mine. Even if it does not, I am still blessed and thankful for others that already in my hand.
Loneliness does hit me at times, apart from losing people along the way there are those that I remove myself from them. I did not do it because of hatred..it is just our path differ.
To those who read this piece of blog, if you cannot find or link me in FB...I m sorry. I would like to fly below the radar for now.
Stay in bed and lick my own wound....then I am up and running...life goes on.
"If you can’t fly then run, if you can’t run then walk, if you can’t walk then crawl, but whatever you do, you have to keep moving forward." ~ Martin Luther King Jr
In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends ~ Martin Luther King, Jr
..........let see....
Been a while since my last updates. Got back to KL...got back into the routine. Took me a while to gain the momentum again. Thankfully all went smoothly.
Felt a bit alien upon setting my foot inside the house. I can't do much housework until further notice. Internal wound won't heal that fast. Just did some light clean up. Have to wash entire wardrobe due to damp scent. As if I was gone for a year. Hang new set of curtains for living room and also the master room.
GE came and go. It was the most anticipated GE since, result speak the volumes. Some of the political party are as good as wipe out. I do hope things will improve in a greater manner. The aftermath of this GE came along poke fire of racial issue. We are sinking into social crisis.
It hurt so much to see all these rumors spreading. It just don't make sense...was it fun to speak or spread bad things about others ? Or was it fun to see people start killing each other ? Are we blind enough not to learn from what is happening in some other part of the world ?
This type of people should be send to Rwanda or maybe Bosnia. I think Rwanda better...reading through history of Rwanda Genocide is enough to give a chill on my spine. It is ethnic cleansing of the Tutsis by the Hutus. Millions of death in 100 days.
Burned alive, slaughter..name it. 1500 Tutsis was slaughter at one go at a church area. One of the worst Genocide in history after the Nazi death camp in WW II. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rwandan_Genocide
To create such negativity is easy, bad things will fall into places without any hard work. The cleaning up part however will take a long process. Wound heals yes but scar remain, though it will fade in time but it will still exist.
Almost 40 years into age, I manage to encounter veterans that walk through the Japanese occupation in Malaya. Even then, their sentiment still solid. They are not impress on anything got to do with Japan. Why such ? Because it hurt so much to witness their love ones beheaded publicly.
Back in my hometown, there are several Cambodian people who made living in this country ever since 2nd Prime Minister - Tun Abdul Razak. They fled Kampuchea that time due to Pol Pot Regime...that is another horror Genocide. To these clan their Pol Pot Sentiment still burning till today. One of them told my dad, though Pol Pot is dead....I still would like to chop his bones into pieces.
Although those who are in power now is nothing fantastic, I believe it is much better than those who try to regain power in the name of revenge. It is time for them to really make the difference...open all those dogs eyes big big...we are not stupid to be fooled again if no changes made.
Get rid of your other half for a start then clean up from top to bottom. Don't just keep implementing and layout agendas. We don't want too many plans that does not benefit in the long run.
Remember...the baby boomer citizen are hitting their 60s, 70s and 80s....nowadays nobody made into 90s. You still hold the reign because of these hardcore baby boomers. They hold the dignity of our four fathers...five years down the road...many of them will call upon already.
You will leave with younger generations. We did not go through the hardship of war, occupation nor the great depression era. We did not even fight for Independence...things comes a lot easier for us...
Handle us the way we suppose to be handle. The era of 50s, 60s, 70s is gone...
We are grateful...but if we have to starve and calculate every penny of our earnings...you will soon be toppled.
Too long in the reign also had blinded the current power holder. As an average earning citizen, I am upset on how we have to remain on tight budget..calculative and struggle to meet ends need. While these top knot spend lavish and they can afford to have anything in the world that money can buy.
Indeed I do feel like a cornered rabbit...if only there is a greater and caliber leader, this current reign will long gone collapse. Sadly there are none.
For now...those cornered rabbits decided to go under umbrella that they believe able to make a different. Its not so much of trust issue but choice. As a frustrated citizen what choice do we have...
To make the matter worst, in between we want our voices to be heard there are people who make benefit the most out of it. Rumors spreading..racist issue and start the wildfire among these fragile citizen.
Currently, why can't they see through...this so call person who eagerly wants to be in power is so evil to the core. Revenge and self satisfactory flashing through his eyes. Riding in the name of people....he will for sure abandon and tear all those supporters apart. He has his own agenda.....
Watching through the campaigning process it just make me sick. In the name of politics, money and power ...humanity and dignity has a price. People can really go so low selling their dignities.
There are of course riding on the tickets of religion. This type is hilarious....speak the volumes of the nastiest words ever exist in dictionary, condemn all out ..even the ancestors are not spared. Insulted from the grave !After all these bad remarks... pray, Quran recite and doa.
I m not religion champion but I am not stupid enough to fall for it. Empty vases make more noise. There are many TK (Tok Guru) in existence. These religion figure they have one thing in common....they speak less. Silence is very much golden to them.
Because the less you speak ...the less sin you make. Our daily sin collection majority came from speak or speech...words.
I just wish no history repeat by itself....read the book before, what is happening today is very much repeating in the making...
Felt a bit alien upon setting my foot inside the house. I can't do much housework until further notice. Internal wound won't heal that fast. Just did some light clean up. Have to wash entire wardrobe due to damp scent. As if I was gone for a year. Hang new set of curtains for living room and also the master room.
GE came and go. It was the most anticipated GE since, result speak the volumes. Some of the political party are as good as wipe out. I do hope things will improve in a greater manner. The aftermath of this GE came along poke fire of racial issue. We are sinking into social crisis.
It hurt so much to see all these rumors spreading. It just don't make sense...was it fun to speak or spread bad things about others ? Or was it fun to see people start killing each other ? Are we blind enough not to learn from what is happening in some other part of the world ?
This type of people should be send to Rwanda or maybe Bosnia. I think Rwanda better...reading through history of Rwanda Genocide is enough to give a chill on my spine. It is ethnic cleansing of the Tutsis by the Hutus. Millions of death in 100 days.
Burned alive, slaughter..name it. 1500 Tutsis was slaughter at one go at a church area. One of the worst Genocide in history after the Nazi death camp in WW II. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rwandan_Genocide
To create such negativity is easy, bad things will fall into places without any hard work. The cleaning up part however will take a long process. Wound heals yes but scar remain, though it will fade in time but it will still exist.
Almost 40 years into age, I manage to encounter veterans that walk through the Japanese occupation in Malaya. Even then, their sentiment still solid. They are not impress on anything got to do with Japan. Why such ? Because it hurt so much to witness their love ones beheaded publicly.
Back in my hometown, there are several Cambodian people who made living in this country ever since 2nd Prime Minister - Tun Abdul Razak. They fled Kampuchea that time due to Pol Pot Regime...that is another horror Genocide. To these clan their Pol Pot Sentiment still burning till today. One of them told my dad, though Pol Pot is dead....I still would like to chop his bones into pieces.
Although those who are in power now is nothing fantastic, I believe it is much better than those who try to regain power in the name of revenge. It is time for them to really make the difference...open all those dogs eyes big big...we are not stupid to be fooled again if no changes made.
Get rid of your other half for a start then clean up from top to bottom. Don't just keep implementing and layout agendas. We don't want too many plans that does not benefit in the long run.
Remember...the baby boomer citizen are hitting their 60s, 70s and 80s....nowadays nobody made into 90s. You still hold the reign because of these hardcore baby boomers. They hold the dignity of our four fathers...five years down the road...many of them will call upon already.
You will leave with younger generations. We did not go through the hardship of war, occupation nor the great depression era. We did not even fight for Independence...things comes a lot easier for us...
Handle us the way we suppose to be handle. The era of 50s, 60s, 70s is gone...
We are grateful...but if we have to starve and calculate every penny of our earnings...you will soon be toppled.
Too long in the reign also had blinded the current power holder. As an average earning citizen, I am upset on how we have to remain on tight budget..calculative and struggle to meet ends need. While these top knot spend lavish and they can afford to have anything in the world that money can buy.
Indeed I do feel like a cornered rabbit...if only there is a greater and caliber leader, this current reign will long gone collapse. Sadly there are none.
For now...those cornered rabbits decided to go under umbrella that they believe able to make a different. Its not so much of trust issue but choice. As a frustrated citizen what choice do we have...
To make the matter worst, in between we want our voices to be heard there are people who make benefit the most out of it. Rumors spreading..racist issue and start the wildfire among these fragile citizen.
Currently, why can't they see through...this so call person who eagerly wants to be in power is so evil to the core. Revenge and self satisfactory flashing through his eyes. Riding in the name of people....he will for sure abandon and tear all those supporters apart. He has his own agenda.....
Watching through the campaigning process it just make me sick. In the name of politics, money and power ...humanity and dignity has a price. People can really go so low selling their dignities.
There are of course riding on the tickets of religion. This type is hilarious....speak the volumes of the nastiest words ever exist in dictionary, condemn all out ..even the ancestors are not spared. Insulted from the grave !After all these bad remarks... pray, Quran recite and doa.
I m not religion champion but I am not stupid enough to fall for it. Empty vases make more noise. There are many TK (Tok Guru) in existence. These religion figure they have one thing in common....they speak less. Silence is very much golden to them.
Because the less you speak ...the less sin you make. Our daily sin collection majority came from speak or speech...words.
I just wish no history repeat by itself....read the book before, what is happening today is very much repeating in the making...
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