Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions ~ Dalai Lama

I probably need more than just a feather duster this time. Way too long since my last updates which was in Dec 2013. Five months of 2014.....my life story is amazing than ever. 

I chose to shut it off from the 'lime light' as it was too overwhelmed. It is like I rather curled up in a blanket and lick my own wounds. As amazing as I may said it...full with injuries and I am scared for life. Add on to the collections. 

Late 2013 the wave of obstacle left me almost crippled. It was a foresee trouble from a family member. We gear up our unity and crack our head. How best to solve it. Thankfully it went well in a way but honestly...we all ..me and my siblings wounded beyond words. 

During this hardship...apart from moral support of friends and love ones...the only thing that keep me going was prayers. I bow to my creator faithfully. Cast my doa with full soul...believe in HIS Divine power. At every sujud that I make...non-stop doa to ease our path. To those who knew what happen ...they are more or less speechless. No word can ever describe it....

Not even once I asked HIM why ?....I believe with my heart and soul there shall be an answer to it sooner or later.

Ever since my cousin's called upon on 6th September 2013, life seems to have a new meaning for me. Tried my level best to live life to the fullest. Still something amiss in between and I still put priority on wrong things.

News on death of my friends around the world did not ceased. Although life has a new meaning since but at at times the departure of some scares me.

I chose to keep it low and fly below the radar. No point keep updating the same thing over and over again.
As I said ...my life adventure is so amazing..it will take a while to update it all here. That is a promise I can keep.

1st of May 2014...FB Birthday reminder pops up - Cecil Thilak Ratnayake. A good friend of mine from Colombo whom is working in Bahrain. We are close chat buddy back from travel agent days. Kinda lost contact with him in 2013 but before that he use to call me or chat via FB. Nice loving father and a husband.

Went I went to his FB page.....my heart just froze. He passed away peacefully on 30th August 2013. Funeral held in Negombo, Sri Lanka on 1st September 2013.

I missed that post....I missed that update. My dear friend died....I was on night shift on 1st May 2014. Cannot stop crying. My heart ache.....I m so sorry Cecil....I m so sorry....

I don't think I can do this anymore...feeling helpless and regret at every death encounter. I don't do them any wrong ...it is just that guilt because we are too busy indulging in our own life.

Somehow I felt responsible not to stay afloat keeping in touch. It is no one 's fault....that is the truth...
things happen.

Since that day...I sort level up. This time when I say nothing more important than my friends and family...
I mean it from the bottom of my heart.

I am now allocating time and plan my day accordingly. Work is fully work - dedication. Off work is my quality time with friends and family. I am not going to answer anything that got to do with my work during my off or leave day. That is my time...quality time.

Now since my sister shift in with me....life just get better. I am a full time 'mom'. Its fun and rewarding.

Next in the list is visiting those I have not visit for some times. I m so homesick too. Suppose to drive home but my parent came visiting instead. Maybe Eid will be my next holiday.

Things that don't kill you makes you stronger they say. They did not however tell you that your life has level up. What matters does not matter anymore.

Calm sea does not make skillful sailor. At every ceased of a storm we should be getting a better vessel.

I come from a boat to speedboat ....and now I am on a Cruise ship. Foresee a dark cloudy days ahead.
Sure there is a rainbow somewhere....I got to sail through to find it.

Should I survive the next storm....I will demand a sub-marine.

Each conjuncture comes from God, it is the lesson we learned from it

Each conjuncture given to HIS servants according to our ability to accept. HE will not give to us something that we cannot carry or dealt with.

At the end of each conjuncture we have a chance to become a better person than ever.

There is always a harder conjuncture if we think ours is hard enough. Be bless and always look at things surround us through our soul. Beyond the naked eyes.

I have no idea what tomorrow brings....but I know what I will be doing for sure - Quality time with my love ones - Friend and Family.

Good or bad I will be just grateful kicking n living this amazing live...

Written by Regina Brett, 90 years old, of the Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio :

To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most requested column I've ever written.

My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.

16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. 
Today is special.

22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive everyone everything.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.

35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood.

38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.

41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

42. The best is yet to come...

43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

44. Yield.

45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."

Seasons greetings! Ending 2013.....

Seasons greetings! Ending 2013.....

I am fully swing night shift after come back from long holiday. Went back home to my parent. My last trip was during my cousin's funeral. Thereafter only a phone call to my parent.

It is such a wonderful feeling to be home. All of us came back as well. Both my sisters flew down from KL. I took coach home on Wednesday, Shan tailed along by Friday. So is the rest of them ; 3 of my sisters.

My journey was a huge challenge in away. Coach did not arrive on time though it is schedule to leave 0830am. By 0900am the ticket counter staff informed us to board the double Decker coach that will leave by 0930am. I am so reluctant. I hate that double Decker coach.

0915am our coach finally arrive only to find out that it is a substitute coach. The executive could not make it. Driver was on MC or something. The replacement coach was shabby, old and stinky. Felt riding a fish market. I got my single seat...smelly and curtain dangle all over. I am holding a patience as a Saint by then.
Swear to God I am so pulling the RCP attitude. Shan reminded me, just hang in there. Things happen for a reason. Don't spoil your mood over things you cannot control. Just sit back, relax and think bright ahead that you are going home.

Settled, I changed my seat..put on some music and doze off for rest of journey. Ride home was easy then.
Upon arrival my school friend pick me up...ex-bf to be exact. 20 years I did  not see him. We went for lunch. Dad call me once to check where am I. He send me home. Invited him in for a cuppa. Chat a bit with my parent and we continue to share lots of stories in between.

While on the way, I spoke to Zul. Told him I am coming home today. Hope to see him later as well. He came the same night. I was so delighted and happy. 20 years apart as well. He is a changed man. Life has really took him for a ride. He is married to far relative from my mom side. Hurmm...small world then.

One thing strange about this guy now, he seek forgiveness from everyone in our group. I mean, it is ok to certain extend by my heart sense there is more to it than just saying sorry. I m going to find that out soon.

Next in the list was another buddy of mine - Rajisman Ali. Little that I know, someone felt hurt by my photo updates. Suhaimi Rashid was so upset that I had no intention of meeting up with him. He was the one who found me via Hafizd and yet I did not acknowledge it at all. Oh my..oh my. Apologize deeply,..how inconsiderate I am. Too indulge into these three that I forgot him. We met the next day for a tea.

Friday was the arrival of my sweetheart and rest of the princess. My 2nd sister arrived on last flight from KL. Her luggage did not arrived. That has caused lot of inconvenient for her. All her baby stuff is inside the luggage. Filed report and seek assistance from my office. Lucky it arrives the next day. They came to deliver it.

Saturday, late afternoon I went to Kuantan for our school reunion. It was held at a bowling center. Met both of my school mate for the first time too in 20 years. Nina and Elly Halim.

Met up with rest of the team at the bowling center. It was a wonderful moment and finally I met Rajisman Ali. It was almost tearfully. Quick to pull me aside, we had a heart to heart chat. I  miss him so. He said, 20 years he search for me. So many tales and stories. We are parted into our own path, 20 years vanish in the thin air.

Back to the group....tournament begin. I didn't join. My wrist injury prevent it. We had so much fun. This group of mine nothing literally changed. Married with kids ...but still kid at heart. We laugh so hard at each other..teased so hard. I had to leave by 0800pm. Could not join the dinner.

Two of my primary school friends came over for dinner to see me. I must be so absent minded that I forgotten, I m going home. They got a bit upset. Make up with them on Monday before me and Shan depart home. These two Effa and Azlina is a different level of people. With them I can share more of what I do for a living. Leveling with them is easier. Current affairs or even global revolving matters can be a good topic to talk about.

While the rest is merely for fun and hell break lose all the time. One of my friend said, hearing the tales of how funny and nonsense my school batch is...one can go cuckoo! Now you know..

Sunday was a lazy day. Went out late evening to meet up with another batch. These boys...nothing can ever changed them. Same old teasing attitude.

Reality check came soon after. Back to work...busy day. Sleeping like a dog...work and juggle my time to find a quality living.

Hit with a sad news. My manager is leaving. He is going back to music industry. Few of other colleague left.

Suddenly I felt so empty. My manager might be many things. He is not the superb manager but we get along well. Every time if I need to throw my tantrums over job issue, he will be the one to have to listen. Comfort zone...he is gone now.

With so many empty desk around the office, I felt strongly it is time for me to make a move too. I am trying hard for a better opportunity. Nothing positive came by yet. Hopefully soon.

Before I leave for my long holiday, attended my friend's sister engagement. Held at one Brahmin Hall Asst. In Jalan Ipoh. When me and Shan arrives its almost over, guest are having dinner. It catches my eyes that I saw my friend's father standing at the corner of the hall entrance....I sensed already something is not quite right.

Went straight in...say hi to the happy couple..took few photos. Met his mom and she quick to pull my hand aside...there was some turbulence earlier caused by her husband..well that explained it. I told her to calm down and hold their horses. Let the ceremony completed and the rest we settle outside. She seems very upset and annoyed by what happened.

 I did not see my friend anywhere so me and Shan decided to fill our tummy first. Then I saw my friend..he was about to marched after his father whom keep causing trouble...his mom grab him then..

I said hi and calmed him down....not even second after a huge argument broke outside the temple. War of words....I walk to Shan whom is about to finish his meal...told him what happen. I said we better leave...its getting to complicated and it breaks my heart to witness this. He agreed...I went in to bid farewell to the couple. My message to her is...take care and hold your patience..no matter what. Puzzled...she said ok. The hall music is loud enough to shield the embarrassment outside.

Both of us make our way....feeling very disturb. Personally I knew this thing will happen...I have been in that family for almost 10 years. Its very delicate and complicated matters. Especially when it comes to family issue. It is a known problem. 

Oldies can be beyond reason at times. They brought us up with morals, value and religiously manner. As they are getting old..they can be beyond help. We learned over the years...they can be a person that we should not look up for but rather a living example that we shall not end up as such. For some...they are lucky enough to have parents as role model.

I make my way to my God mother's house. Dear Donny is celebrating his birthday. Full house..everyone is there. We got together famously...chat..drink and cake cutting. Spend time to chat with almost all of them. 

This family has been in my life for almost 7 years now...like every other family including mine..we are broken in some way but fast to mend it...so no matter what we stick together with all those scars and wounds. That what makes us stronger. There were days we clawed each other...of the many that we hug each other.

This pet brother of mine is the black sheep of the family. Big time trouble maker. Not much progress since. He live a day at a time...future plan..zero. Junkie in way..bottles his best friends. He has a heart of gold..only if his path is correctly set. A lawyer or at least a pilot he is I can say.  

Despite the celebration..I went home with a huge hole in my heart. Reached home at 1am..showered and sleep.

One may enjoy being connected vis media social..others might be in person..while some spend time travelling around the world...no matter what we have our own way to stay connected..and finding purpose of living. Turbulence..stormy days came and go...make do with what we have the most.

This year of 2013, there has been too many departure. It sadden me to the level of numb. Today my dear colleague father passed away. I came in early for my shift to fill in. 

I am so beyond bad news now. Upon hearing the lost ...be it sudden or numbered days...I don't even know how to react anymore....

When I said I am so so loved...it is also a mirror to those around me. You only get back what you give...simple! This love and being loved works both ways. Love and respect is earned...it will have to start internally..then only the rest fall into places.

Our attitude says a lot about things that happen in our life. If you can't find humor in what life throws at you then you have not reach the happiness level yet...be sad when you need to, be happy when you should...

Nobody is perfect....live life to the fullest. Life is really really so short.

I walk down the memory lane because I know that I'll run into youthere....

Beautiful Sunday morning, the sun is hiding somewhere giving way to sort gloomy weather. I am very much comfortable in this weather..while on the way to work this morning misty highway makes it more comfy to snuggle rather than work.

Since the last updates life has been good and wonderful in a way. Still hanging on the knot, searching for great opportunity to swing by into another field.

My recent found school reunion has been tremendous. 20 years apart, tales from each of us enough to make anyone counting their blessing one way or another. I found my football captain ~ Zulrisham Kadri. Had a brief chat with him over the phone, followed by message exchanged. He is thrown one corner of the earth, far from busy city life that both of us used to indulge in.

He said there is a long story behind it and above all he believe everything happen for a reason. He is earning a decent living there ; enough for his family and kids. We have to catch up for sure. I need to know what happen to him (more kepoh than ever!!). It was another friend of mine - Ahmad Suhaimi whom found him, shared his recent photos via whatsapp and these boys...God Almighty start to send me picture of Zul..mad house !

Yesteday Hafizd Helmi held wedding ceremony lunch for his brother. Invited these school clan as well. My parent did went over too which was quick updated via Facebook that they saw my parent. Geez...these boys..I don't know to smile or just rolled my eyes !...CNN big time.

Life has stretch us from what we used to be. With the recent UPSR result announcement, I am proud to see that those who had become parent ; their kids is doing very very well. Far from what we were in school. The least it is better than older generation.

As much as I am happy and excited over this reunion thing...I am looking forward to met up with my clan (snob!). The rest will make way in between. There was me, Zulhisham, Khairul Azman, Rajisman Ali and Suhaimi Rashid. These five stick together like a glue through out and they eventually make my house second home. Especially Zul...always seems to be around playing table tennis with my dad.

Another side of story, I uploaded primary school photos. Standard Five - messages and phone number exchanged. We don't change much appearance wise, just aged. 90% of them went to the same secondary school. We just expand our friendship with kids from other school in the district.

There will be a small gathering on the girl group which I m often left behind as busy with the football team. Since I am 'vanish' in the thin air for 20 years...its a pleasure to see these girls whom very likely having average 5 kids each now. Some of their kids already in their 17th years of age. Its like married the very next week after final SPM paper.

(Off the record. My parent often strike fear in me and siblings...if we are not good in our studies, they will married us off and become full time housewife. Then we are stuck forever in the small town without ambition and all. Trust me....it is my biggest fear. With our last drop of blood we strive to get away from this small town..by hook or crook. Then in our 20s my parent again on our back for suitable time to get married. Hell it is not  happening like they wished for. They shapped us to be stern and vocal..speak our mind and find our own course. Suitor will not come overnight for sure.)

Looking back over the years, as I stated before we cannot measure one's path based on how they were back then. Of course one must have direction or at least ambitious enough what you want to be when you grow up.
It is good if you have a good course or at least earn a decent living.

I have learned too that few of them pass away due to illness or accident. Some because of drugs. Which is sad. It is like our play ground we see each other almost daily for half a day. Then to learned that they are gone..such a disbelief too.

For now I looked forward to come back home. Need to bring my mom to see doctor and also catch up with my school buddies. Foresee it will be lots of tales and stories. Years in counting may sound short or at time may seems long enough to make you wonder ...what has happen during those times. 20 years this time for me felt so long. 20 long years that has changed us into what we are today.

Above all I can say is...those whom in my chatting/message/phone call now are good people. Nothing has changed much on them in the manner of humbleness. Those whom not in the list...to speak their attitude has not changed either. As snob as I am...there is a difference between me the lovable snob and those whom always find a way to be outstanding with no reason. That group of people is not welcome at all. My clan still speak the same wave length...

Last week my aunt and uncle came down to my late cousin residence in Puchong. Did some prayers for her. It has been two months since. Thankfully my aunt and uncle acceptance is much better. When tragedy strike..it is amzing how people can really change. Especially their connection to the creator. Believe me when I say... just pray in good time or bad time. The spiritual and soul connection in the name of prayers...amazing. Just amazing.

Both of my sister went, me on the other hand at work. My aunt shared that she believe her daughter new on her condition in some way. While clearing the house, they found mane religious book and some that says...power of acceptance.

I can't seems to find the correct words or sentence to describe how do I really feel about her death. Accepted ? Yes I am but I can still feel her presence around...so does everyone I think in my family.

Life has to go on. As time pass my inner feeling is calling me home badly. I had my fun  years here. Was talking to Joanna last week....she too felt the urge of doing something meaningful for herself. It might not be as much as our earning now but it is meaningful.

I am so thinking about coming home to my parent soon.

While on FB the other day I came across a post. It is said that, don't look too much into the joyous time in the past. Our become so and so backward that we want to be in that time so we do not have to face what the future holds.

Not facing what the future holds? I don't think so. It is nice and wonderful to talk about good old days. But reality check will come knocking before you know it. It is merely a rememberance for all those sweat, tears, blood..laughter and sweet memories. Nothing more.

There shall be many how I wish...but as I said reality check. You must stand on the reality ground...the future is bright ahead. How you see it ..it is up to you...no pain no gain..

We love life, not because we are used to living but because we are used to loving ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

I have many things I hate nowadays which often hidden behind the counted blessing. At one point I am grateful enough for everything, then it all started to backfire in a way. Maybe I am just sitting in the execuse that is piling up daily. 

There is a need of a change for sure. What have I done so far ...well not much. It is not nothing but not much effort to it. Basically I have not push it to the limit for all the changes, wishes and dreams that I want. I used to love what I do for a living. The good old days is drifting away. 

Does power makes people mean ? Oh yes it does. Link : http://edition.cnn.com/2013/10/24/business/does-power-make-you-mean/index.html?hpt=hp_c5 

We have walked the horrible days of a leader, I guess it will come to that soon. Need a change badly and I am working on it. Should nothing satisfying swing by..just tie a knot and hang on. 

Last week I had a visitor. Friend of a century..he is a friend, admirer, devil and angle. We fought, we scracth, we cried, snuggle and cuddle...name it. At the end we still together. The only thing about me and this guy is...divided we stand but united we fall. Loving him as a whole but living with him is another story. We can stand on same floor not more than two days. 

Collected my Kim Kardashian - Gold Perfume plus some other goodies he bought. He is always been my perfume contributors. I envy his life at times. Travelling and circling the globe like nobody's business. He has completed more than half of the continents. Left South America and Africa that has not been conquered yet. 

Among the conversation that we had that night was about loneliness. I told him that I am very lonely at times with no one to be call a true friend by my side. Apart from my lover, I don't have much of a friend to be call friends. 

He said, in our own circle there are people who dying to have our life. Yet we are a loner. We are a loner not because there is no one to be friends with, we are a loner because we set up a standard or par, who to be with and who not to be. If that person unable to reach to our level or thinking, attitude or even react then he/she is not fit into our life. Whilst these people accept us the way we are plus they enjoy our companion. So who is the screw up now...we or them. (I hate him if he is right)

On top of all these, he labelled me a snob. Always been a snob I am it seems. Oh well I did not notice that! (I hate him more... :-) Snob or not I am my father's daughter. My siblings behave the same. We are not a blonde in house of bunny that's for sure. 

One story after another...we end up sleeping at 0600am. Damm! I was so Panda the next morning! Over all I realize that he is much more lonelier than I am. Being used to him over 20 years ...I just let it be. Bottom line I knew he meant well whatever the issue was. 

At the point when we thought we are screwed...just pause and have a look around. Nothing much I can say about it...as I said...Loving him as a whole but living with him is another story. We have walked heaven and hell to be where we are now. He is having a life time fun and experience in travelling. 

Experience where most of us just can afford to dream about it. We bid farewell and reality cast upon us again.  

I am back into the huge mansion and he is back to his family. We had a good time yes. When shall we see each other again..well god knows! I want to make a point to travel to States with him once. While he is still having the previleges.. 

Yesterday afternoon while I was taking a nap, a phone call came in. I have no idea who the guy was. What kept me going was when he mentioned we went to same school. After few minutes of teaser, he reveal himself. Oh man!...this year is so a year of lost and found. Ahmad Suhaimi Rashid. Legendary one of our gang member. Then a phone call from another school friend ; Hafiz. He said lost my number and can't seems to find a way how to get it back. Then he remember my dad...he call him to get my number. Unbelievable! Funny and witty as usual. 

On the other hand, my old flame - no more on FB. His wife block me out. Whatever...I am snob anyway! He call me once a while to say hi. I said too bad your wife did that but just leave it as it is. Woman can be complicated. Don't start a war cause it will be a battle you can't win. 

Chatted with my new found school mate, he asked me to join ex SMDMM 1989 to 1993 page on FB. Many of us are in there. True enough..entire battalion is there. The next alumni I will put my leg in for sure. It is unbelievable how we are in our 3 series now. 

The good old days. 0745am to 1300hrs daily Mon to Fri. Took same bus to and from school. Well known in the school. I got to dig the old school album..wait! It will be right up in that school FB page.. 

I am still looking for the football team captain. He is still missing. No one knows where is he. Like vanish in the thin air. Everyone seems to be around but not him. We are divided into few groups in a way. Not all get along well. Generally everyone is good to each other. Just the click is different...

My phone has not stop since then...friend request pouring in like mad. Whatsapp message..the worst was I don't really know most of them. Felt like Rachel Green from Friends. They knew me...my bad!

Then a message came in from one of the girl Nina...there is on person whom holding her by the knee for my number. I m speechless...who could that be...?...Turn out to be another of my close buddy also...Rajisman Ali. Number exchanged and I felt like crying.....20 years man....!! He was also looking for me high and low. Off the record...during school time my boyfriend don't really like him...hehehe..

He is now with DRB Hicom.

Mission soon will accomplish...I need to find that Football Captain and few girls is next on the list... My parent can remember them by heart until today. Just mentioned to them one name - they quick to know what happen to each and everyone of this school batch of mine. 

The best time of my life was during school....nothing replace it..absolutely none.....

“I guess by now I should know enough about loss to realize that you never really stop missing someone-you just learn to live around the huge gaping hole of their absence.” ― Alyson Noel, Evermore

Peaceful Sunday morning. Woke up early for prayers and dooze of again for a while. Can't sleep much though. Since my mind is so acting drafting what I want to write in my blog later...might as well do it now.

Sun has raised, peeping through the trees surround my parents house. It is the 3rd day my dear cousin Razaini Binti Siti Ani has left us. Still shocked over her death and I am still digesting the aftermath.

We all knew what will be the ending upon the news she is diagnose with colon cancer about 3 months ago. Sadly that news only came to our knowledge mid of Ramadhan. As I updated before, her parent rather is stage of denial. Cannot accept that their child has been diagnose with such terminal illness.

We all rushed back home to visit her by then. My last chat with her was the eve of Eid. Went with Shan just to say hi and check on her condition. Chatty and witty as normal, though her health has decline rapidly. Then after Eid I was back in KL and did not check that regular. My 2nd sister did called up to my uncle and check on her condition, I knew about her then bit by bit.

Late Thursday night of 5th September about 2200hrs, my sister called in with news that she is in comatose stage now. My parent already there at the hospital with rest of family members. Thereafter, my sleep mode already deactivated. Cannot sleep at all. I can't remember what time that I finally knock out.

Then Friday morning about 0710am while I am on my to work, my 3rd sister called in. My dear cousin has passed away at 0615am. Friday, 6th September @ 30th Syawal. Drop by at the office, took a few stuff and rush back home. We want to leave soonest possible before the funeral take place. Last respect at least. Called up to my mom...she also fighting back tears...they all came back home about 0500am that morning. Will be leaving again shortly she said.

We assemble at my 3rd sister's place, took our belonging at drive through all the way back to Kuantan. In between call up to my dad to find out on the progress. We will do out best to arrived but traffic was not that much on our side anyway. With God's will, we will arrive on time..if  not...we had seen her too during her healthy stage. Not much to regret then...

Quick stop at Maran R&R and we safely arrived in Kuantan about 1200noon. Fought our way to heavy traffic as all Muslim men prepare to go for Friday prayers. My parent had to leave home by then as my nephew already throwing tantrums. My dad told us to make way straight to the graveyard at Taman Setali, Kuantan. We arrived there about 1230noon just in time. Her fragile body has been laid in. Went to met her mom ; my aunt. She was so un-consolable. My cousin known to us as Akak...my aunt keep repeating to us...Akak dah tiada. Three of us sisters stood there numb. All my other aunt and uncle presence as well. So many people there I did not have a chance to see all.

The funeral was in a rush too as people need to go for Friday prayers. The Talkin was not smooth as well. As it the reader was doing it the first time. Somehow my cousin's name was not properly mentioned and that old Talkin reader was studder. We all just kept it to our self and pray for her soul to rest in peace and grant Janatul Firdausi.

Everything went well and ended by first Azan cast of that Friday afternoon. My uncle went around to say thank you while my aunt drop herself and sat down beside the grave. My 2nd sister went to stand there too. As she stood there recite doa, I was with my other cousins and aunt consoling ourselves.

Then my 2nd sister came by and whisper to me, go and stand where I stood. Asked for forgiveness and give forgiveness. She can still hear us before everyone leave finally. I did that. Upon we said goodbye to her mom, she hold our hands and asked us to go to her house now.

Upon arrival at my cousin's house, other family members is there too. Many from my cousin brother wife 's side. We sat down for a while then everyone came back.

My aunt was so lost, denial and tried her level back to act as normal. Well she shouldn't do that in the first place....it is not easy dealing with oldies. They are not us...these oldies they are beyond reason at times. We just leave things the way they are. Upon arrival my aunt quick to clear the house and went to rinse cloth that was used during the bathe earlier. Informing us bit by bit what has transpired for the past 3 months.

My cousin came back home for about four days earlier. She was so happy beyond words. Took the longest shower ever my aunt said....

My and my sister stood there and fighting back tears as my aunt said, my cousin's lung had burst. Her internal organ failed miserably already. It was when she wanted to take a bath that Thursday evening. A wave of shock struck her and the nostril tube was fill with blood. Doctor came and check....her lung has just burst. Her last word to her parent was "wait for a moment".

Many visitor came by then including the residence Imam. He told both my aunt and uncle....it is time...redha on her departure now. That is when my aunt said to her

"Akak, mak dengan abah redha jika akak nak pergi. Mak dengan abah ampun segala dosa2 akak...mak dengan abah halal segala makan minum"

That time my aunt said can see her tears rolling. It is the first time since her diagnosis that she cast a tears. Thereafter her stage already in coma.

We hang around the house for a while. My aunt was busy with do not know what. Asked all the biscuits and cookies to be taken out to all guest. Some of the oldies there hold her back and said.....its a funeral not a celebration. Just calm down and take it easy.

She insist on us to go and have some food. Owh my...not us for sure. We just could not swallow anything. Visitor start to increase and it became a bit crowded. We then politely say to her we want to take leave now.

She hugs all of us and said do not forget her.....she has no daughter now. Don't just leave her alone. To me was rather lenghty. Make sure I take care of my health and do a regular check. Her daughter was in the same condition as I am. Fybroid and cysts.

Said goodbye to my uncle and we left. Stopped by at Old Town White coffee for a quick bite. Super hungry. We assess the situation back at my aunt house..who and whom plus what and when. In between we just sit in silence...trying to accept what has happen.

We arrived home close to 1600hrs. My parent just finish their so call lunch. Took shower and sat down with them. Exchange news and opinion. The crowd was greater at the mosque, my mom said. Dad was a bit upset as he could not be at the grave. My super hyper nephew start his tantrums....

That night was the tahlil...great crowd as well.

We will bid our goodbye today. It will take a long time for us to accept her departure for sure. This is the first young death in our family. I mean from my maternal side....this is the first ever...

After the funeral, at my aunt house I came across my cousin's best friend ; Barathi. She immediately sat in front of me and cried. Just last Sunday she brought her parent wall the way from KL to see my cousin. These two can be seen all over the place in KL. From Lake Garden to Carcosa Seri Negara..name it...adventurous and explorer. I knew Barathi from my cousin too.

Before we depart from the grave I bump into another school friend of hers...Elyna. Short Hi and I have to leave already. We continue to exchange news via her FB page later on that evening.

Yesterday afternoon my mom did call my aunt. Her relatives from Singapore just arrives. My aunt send the same reminder again....don't just leave her alone. My mom said, we won't from those days we are just as we are now. Nothing will change.

Today on the way back to KL...my mind just travel back to all those moments. Facing the departure of love ones is hard.....I guess the hardest part is the aftermath. How do we stand and move on....not many will find an immediate courage to move on...worst still to let go.This cousin of mine is a pillar. She is the strength of her parent. Between she and her mom is the love hate relationship as they both look a like.

3 months duration to take care of a patient is enduring. No child can guarantee to stay that long for a parent, but that was the duration that both my aunt & uncle stayed with their child. Parent often will...the rule of life is..no parent should bury their child. It is a turning point for them...devastated..eating them inside out for years to come.

I am speaking from the point that I have witnessed of the many....good family..good child and good parent. The other side of coins..well I have witness that too. More of Karma. When death came upon, it is a moment of one thousand one million repent. Thankfully I has taken me closer to my creator....found so many answers too.

Before I depart home, my dad call me to him and interrogate about my health. Alhamdulillah so far so good. He gave me few doa to recite after Fardhu prayers. Simple yet meaningful.

I m back to home sweet home....felt a bit better today. Yesterday was a terrible day for me. Body ache like crazy ! I can't even walk properly. To sit or to get up is a nightmare...every angel lock. Took Panadol twice and even hot shower..nothing works.

Mom said, we are in this descendant cannot simply step to the graveyard...if not headache, it will be body ache. Hurmm....we are suffer from that headache since Thursday night. Thankfully it went off soon after.
My back and legs still hurt much...just holding in patiently.