Here and there again....Georgie Anne's Tale...

Hectic weekend, thankfully I've gotten three days off till Monday. Today start on the night shifts until my last working day on 4th August. On leave thereafter for Eid.

The journey home was a successfully one. I am not in that emotional and sad stage anymore. It is like the sinner guilt feeling lift off my chest. She is one tough cookie. Her will of acceptance rather strong as a diamond. Upon our visit she is like every other normal days...witty funny and ample to complaint about.

Her mom did apologize to all of us for not able to share that illness information early. It is very hard on her I guess to accept the fact that her daughter is in that final stage condition. We did not shed tear while talking to the patient but when her parents hug us before we leave home.

Since she unable to take any food anymore, she requested for soursoup juice. My 2nd sister manage to buy one from Pasar Tani, blend into smoothies. She had it heartily.

After Ifttar that night me and my 3rd sister went to the hospital again. My goodness, so many people visiting ..over whelmed than the patient. The patient I must say in a very tired stage condition. I do understand the need to visit just in case she pass on unexpectedly. But then again, too much of a crowd will bring much of negativity aura.

Let me tell you for sure...the amount of question and over concerned citizen just agitate her further.
Not everyone knows how to speak nor asked properly.

We stood at the reception of that ward awaits correct moment to approach her. There are relatives, neighbours, friends until I don't know who is who around. Only three patients in that ward...the crowd fit into two coach I think.

My uncle came to us. It breaks our heart to see a sad face of a father. He is one of nicest man ever. It is not easy for him to take it as well. He explained further on how her daughter illness took place right about a week after the surgery..by then they knew something is wrong somewhere.

They are not young anyomore...to have to attend to a sick child when it suppose to be the other way around..it is very painful. No parent should ever have to burry their child....

Then her mom waived us to come over which we did. Chat a bit and asked her if there is anything here in KL that she need us to do for her. So far none....she did request from my 2nd sister for a pair of shoe this coming Eid.

My 2nd sister told her college batch the news....it is a shock to all. I guess we are oblige in a way to inform who we think suppose to be told.

After leaving the hospital that afternoon I arrived home to know that my dad and her dad has gone to find someone that knows how to cure her illness. At this stage there is no cure but only to eased a bit so she does not suffer that much. Dad arrived late evening about 7pm only. All went well. It is a long drive away from our current place.

Among the conversation that we had with my mom...she told us one of our elderly uncle does not speak the volume that benefits all. Blunt and too harsh till it hurt many of those who arrived to visit the patient first time round. Both my uncle and aunt hurt the most until they prefer him not to come.

He said that ....this kind of thing should not happen if we ladies live our life in good manner. I gave my mom that black look! What good manner...married you mean ? a husband and married life does not guarantee eternity. Asked him to look over his backyard first before putting his nose into other's yard. His own kids having two marriage failure...Started lah then...I was furious and mad! What nonsense....

Then my mom slow talk with the wife...just asked him to speak properly and shut up when needed. You yourself still have un married kids...so behave!

Since all of us came back at one batch, mom open up home stay for some of us. Took shower and rest..then by about 4pm we went to Pasar Ramadhan. My my...it is good to be home for sure. Not only cheaper but it is the food that grew up with. Before we leave ...mom gave a gentle reminder...items here are cheaper than KL so please do not buy the entire bazaar OK...

Must buy item ...Ikan bakar, Murtabak Raja, Puding Raja, Lompat Tikam and Nekbat. We bought 3 pieces of stingray fish and 3 pieces of large squid at RM50. If in KL...prepare to pay at least RM80 to RM90.

Stop at the Murtabak Raja...bought 3 pieces at no cost. This family always year in year out will just give us...I think if ever I got a chance to go again before Eid...am gonna get Shan to go and buy. Kind of embarrassing, we want to buy but they just give us in the name of charity for my dad.

The ordering part was rather special, as I stood there they knew whom it is for. I got my dad's face like photocopy... :-)

Travel back on Sunday and the entire days was just resting. My illness still remain the same. Both mom and dad trying to find traditional remedy. See how it goes.

Tried my level best to take a short nap before my night shift today. Failed big time. Woke up with a bit of agitated feeling and as the devil creep in I am in bad mode over so many things.

Received a phone call from a friend caused I missed him so... :-). Chat and shared a bit of my stormy heart. The rest of my to work journey left me thinking about all those things/moment/wish and demand that I do not have despite working hard on it and my prayer over it too. Its like why am I not getting what I want till now....

Then.....in my Isyak prayers late tonight....hmmmm....everything fall into places. The inner voice in my soul sort of slap me tight on my face.

No one....look at what I have. How my day to day path is not as painful as it used to be. Life is more blessed and peaceful. The stormy weather does not last that long. It is part and puzzle of a life of human.
I am very ambitious to tend to my parents needs and spend more time with them. Lets measure how many percent of that in the successful manner...well still long way to go. It is not there yet.

No two...love life...I had wrong man kinda type as long as I remember. Being beaten senseless by some that animal enough. For now, the man that I am having is like a god send. Yes...he may not be up to the par my expectations but in comparing to those wrong one..he is an angel. He has walked with me in the hardest time of my life....seen me in that hopeless and helpless condition. He has no reason to stick around...but he did.

I have decided....I don't care if its gonna take 10 years down the line for me to be with him. I will mend and take it one step at a time. This man is so good to me...so so good. Let me look at myself in casting my prayers and in the name of God how on earth that I really had take the correct path in the first place. Don't point fingers on others...let me point it out to me. I am not letting this on go for sure....

Above all...I am living this live of mine. The hardship, bitterness and sweet victory it is mine to call.

No three...I will continue to work hard on things that my of my wish and dream. Maybe I will get there..maybe I will not. For now I know I have to work my butt out on it. Be it a tour, job or better earnings...I can't sit around awaits miracle to happen...again self assessment is needed before I start to complaint...

No four...religiously...I will find the best way to improve and live a life in HIS blessing. I don't know how I am going to do this but...I am sure there is a way. My prayers often answered it is just I am too blinded to read behind the lines.

The list continue....can't update everything here right...I am surrounded by people who love me to my blood and bone. That alone is a blessing plus I am rich enough to have things that money cannot buy. Though it is much more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle...

As I am staying on my own, this Ramadhan I often ifttar on my own too. Simple dish prepared enough for me. As I seated at the dining table alone...can't help to feel a bit lonely. It will be quickly brushed off...there are others in this world that do not even have a meal let alone a place to be call home. I have a huge comfortable shelter...and it reminded me of my dear cousin whom in now in the stage of unable to consume any food anymore.

To her...I do admired her courage and will power. May we see each other again for this Eid..Insha Allah!
As I mentioned before...when tragedy strike. We paused and look back at all those moment that now become a memory. I had a good time with her. Family feud still happen...we just made do with how things are now. Maybe one day we will forgive and forget....it is sad to see the elders not in talking terms...
we as their young links...felt even harder pinch.

I got to look after my own self now...God knows what is failing inside me...worry...I am very very worry.
Nowadays the illness often terminal. No more long life span as it used to be...

Picture time.....hope I will be able to taste these again before Eid. That Saturday late night we seated at dining hall to enjoy these delicacies...my dad started his lecturing about us being sweet tooth. Not good for health since we are diabetic descended and all...list goes on...the longer he talked he faster we scoop the sweetness and leave like a whirlwind. Ears burning hot ! Then my dad caught my 3rd sister sipping from a bottle of Coke...hell break lose..kantoi big time!

Before we depart home, my mom handed over a picture of my late uncle. We miss him dearly...very very dearly. I often mentioned how my dad hold deep inside his heart about this brother of his. The regret of him will carry till the grave. It will be for all of us....if only...if only things were different. I always picture how nice it is now since we grew up already....it will be wonderful time together. I will for sure take both this uncle and my aunt to stay with us. Come what may....

Looking at this old photos...no wonder when everyone at home saw Shan for the first time...they said he look like my uncle Mokhtar....now I can see the resemblance. Tall, smart and good looking....

in the living years.....

Everytime a tragedy strike be it illness or pass on of love ones, our heart and mind will stop to digest, repent and then move on.

This evening I sat down and memories of us just flow like river. So many questions, so many regrets too. I don't even know where to begin honestly. For now, the best thing I can do for her is cast doa and prayers. My heart and mind is not in the right stage too....I cannot describe truly how I feel.

The pain that my heart carries is just to great to even describe it. What made it so pain is our memories...we truly had a wonderful years. It is her laughter and funny wit that is slicing through my heart now. Everything just flow....every bit of her words, stories and journey of life....

Can't help to feel like such a sinner....we often treat people misrably at times. I mean I did it at some stage out of anger, frustration and bad attitude. Now all I want is just to turn back time and redo all those journey again as better person.

The only one certainty of a life is death ..the only thing not certain about it is when and where.

In some families, please is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was sorry. ~ Margaret Laurence

June passed and here came July ; we are almost reaching to half of it. Ramadhan is approaching in couple of days time.

One of sign that we are getting older is the feeling of excitement going through another Ramadhan year after year. Deep down inside I am very grateful that I am still alive and kicking to celebrate this upcoming holy month. Whether or not I am going to be able to fast that is another story.

Health is in general OK, fever flu ...the normal stuff. The other matter of my health has not seize. Still walked through another long period of menstrual. I am just going to wait and see. Doctors appointment is coming up soon anyway. Maybe it has to be remove entirely....that is the best solution. I am going to find some traditional remedy now....who knows maybe it works.

Kind of hectic week for me. Mom is in town since last Sunday. It is nice and fun to have her around. My devilish nephew tag along of course. My brother skip school for a week. He cried his lung wanted to follow my mom to my house...what else to do. By right he suppose to be in school.

I was on night shift until Wednesday, pick her up from my 3rd sister's house and she spend the remaining days until Saturday morning. Thereafter I send her to my another sister's house in Setiawangsa. Dad came on Saturday as well. He had some family function in Temerloh earlier that morning.

After my shift this morning I make my way to Setiawangsa before they depart home. To see my dad's face beaming with broad smile upon seeing me is just priceless. We chat a bit and he is very very concern about my health now. They will try to work something out and let me know...maybe traditional is the best way. Still I need to see my Gyne to just look deep inside to see what is the problem this time.

Mom said, if it needed to be removed entirely just do it. Me on the other hand...to be open cut again and go through it all over again...sigh !...it is not like super fun where it is holiday like. The first surgery itself leave me with one thousand one million issue...be it my hair..my strenght...my immune system..name it. Hair drops like chemo therapy patient...i am easily tired...can't breathe properly too at times...the list just goes on.

It is not that I am not thankful for every other things that I have gracefully in  my life now. I am just saying and sharing what has transpired. The eyes cast upon does not weight the same as the shoulder that carries it.

What can I do at this point of time is to just go along with it and try to settle whatever arise one by one.

For now...I am missing my family already. How I wish my parent can stay with me. Come back home and there is someone at home....rather than empty house. Noted that it is not a bed of roses daily when you have others staying with you...but we just have to live with each other's prick.

My mom told me that her mom died of stomach cancer...life for them scattered around there after. She was too young to understand. One by one of her siblings were taken away by relatives to be raised. Some were badly abused too. She works as baby sitter from one family to another until she was 19 years old.

When she return from KL back hometown she realize what poverty and lack of education did to people around. From there she said, set her mind that if she has family of her own she will ensure education is priority. So none of her children will walk her path.

Each of my uncle and aunt has their own stories while staying with these relatives. Bottom line growing without a proper family is very painful. From those stories of experience I heard from them...some of this relatives are very much alive..age catch up to them.

I do wonder how do they feel when they saw again the children under their care...that they fail to care for them. I mean don't they feel ashamed...because I do. I don't think I can bring myself to look at any of my mom's siblings eye to eye after all that I have done.

My mom said, his last brother was taken by my grandmother's brother. Badly abused, no school and beat up all the time. Back then there is not such thing as telephone and all. Until one day someone told my eldest uncle...please go and take back your younger brother. Which he did.

I heard about these tale often....only lately I tend to realize deep into it. It is like patching a puzzle. Where there a storm happen in the family...you will realize why it happen. Who and who did what.

Dad on the other hand grew up in a complete set of family....a bit dysfunctional in a way but he is in a pack.
He too has his own tale.

During one of the lunch I had with both my mom and sisters ; my sister told us that she went to fix her car with my dad...while waiting for the mechanic they sat and chat. She said....if only my last uncle is still around..he can do wonders as he is a good mechanic. So many vehicle around nowadays...he can easily make a fortune. My dad could not agree more with of course tears in his eyes....hmmm she and her big mouth. Then mom add....he still cannot let go of this one...the pain remain in his heart forever...carry it to the grave.

We heard...we learned....forgive and move on. A new generation is definitely better than the previous that is a certain.

Last two weeks I went to visit Shan's mom again. Her warmness just makes me count my blessing even more. She too catched up with age...comparing with my parent..her life is much simpler and straight forward.
Still her tale of life is spine chilling too. Especially her marriage life. Lucky for her ; all her sons stand by her side all the time. Safe guard. "Whatever internal issue between me and your father ; he is still your father and all of you to respect that". Strong lady with principal.

I told my mom...if this devilish nephew of mine in the care of Shan's mom....I can guarantee that lady will go in ICU in just days.

Hands on parenting and weekend parenting makes a vast different. City folks mostly are weekends parents. Only time they spend with their children is weekends or school holidays. They don't make much a skill parent. Their baby sitter are on the other hand skillful in the name of earning a living.

I am still down with fever...not much of temperature but inner heat. Drank gallons of water still remain the same. Just go with the flow...seeing medicines just gives me that puke like gestures...I am sick and tired of medication...

Let see what my parent will come up with on this traditional remedies.

My Hari Raya leaved has been approved...starts mid of July I am on night shift all the way till I leave for hometown...


My social policy remain unchanged....mix around but careful to blend in. Just know where your stand is. Better to just watch from a far.

Starlight Serenade

Birthday came and go. I am blessed and thankful to have such a wonderful people around. Felt so loved and cherished.

My special birthday present ...well a new handphone. Kinda of pampered am I ?....Amin ! Amin! I m grateful even there is none for me....the thoughts that count. Furthermore, to have to spend time with your love ones and all those wishes plus prayers...what more could I asked for.

Two of my best buddies also share the same birthday this month. A bit dramatic though...well we are drama queen anyway. Last year we spend time together three of us for lunch. Unable to do so this year..tight schedule and individual plans. Today is Joanna's Birthday and Monday 24th was Sandra's. Gotten both of them a nice garden in a glass from http://www.thesecretgarden.com.my/. Perfect gift for anyone actually.

These flowers are real...alive and can last for about 10 years with proper care.

My gifts...

Life goes on...counting my blessing for what I have been, what I am now and to the future. Taking in to a new level. Be mindful of my choice of words and the heart that whisper...

When what used to matters...does not matter anymore...

Talent is God given. Be humble. Fame is man-given. Be grateful. Conceit is self-given. Be careful.

John Wooden
With few more minutes into 4am, I just took a relief from work load. Still plenty to do at this wee hour. Rest my mind for a while. I guess it has become a habit lately that I only able to upload this blog during night shift.

It is not that I am running out of ideas nor things to say....just the timing during the day often clashed with something arise. The usual issue is I am too exhausted from the day to day job. Rest and run errand...that's it! I am at times racing against the sun.

Ever since I came back from that long medical leave, I am still adjusting myself into all those that once my daily routine. There are times I find it a bit hard to stand at the same momentum as I used to be before. The funny things is, certain things I am over the momentum and certain things I am a bit left behind. My memory fails me often too...apart from the hormone imbalance...I am losing hair like chemo still. It does not matter to me anymore...come what may. I will get my balance back.

Just taking one step at a time. It is not easy too. I have no answer to certain hick-up that happen as I cruise along. Be it work wise or daily day to day. I find myself a bit lost at times. Too many things in line with too little time.

The only gateway that I find to ease my stormy heart is prayers. Accept the challenge and obstacle with brave heart and move on from there. It is a bit disappointed at times when things that used to be your expertise become a challenge.

I am very reluctant to consume any medicines, unless the pain is unbearable then only I will take it. If not, I will rather stand it. Too much medication for the past two years. Even with this hormone imbalance, the doctor wanted to give hormone tablets to help regulate back whatever that has gone berserk in my system.
Well the news is, I have been on hormone pill ever since my medical condition. To be on it again...its like inviting that 'C' cell to populate faster. So, just bear with it and patience....

A few days ago, I went to visit my spiritual leader. He is doing ok. Health is also an issue for him apart from financial matters. As a healer and riding on the correct path of living, the challenge and obstacle does come to a point of unbearable. Business is slow for him. I told him that both me and Shan 'shaved' clean as well as the month end. Nothing extra nor affordable to spare. Just enough to sustain.

We chatted heartily too. Shared some stories from the past list of friends that we encounter. Gotten to know a few shocking incident too. People can really do anything in the name of dollar and cent. We just glad that these type of people are not in our path anymore.

Again, we don't have much grumble on this matter. Rather be grateful of what we have than what we don't have. Still there is food on the table and we manage to complete the circle of life without much hassle. The only problem is ...we only wish the financial balance either stay balance or increase.

The more we have the greater our commitment is. Life expand as we earned more and more.

My cast of prayers is for God to compensate all good things from all bad things. Abundance of blessing on all HIS giving rather than begging from others.

This month is my birth month. Few more years I am ending my 3 series era and venturing into the big 4. Age is just a number. Life goes on...with 20 years to retirement age I m sure I can make it. If however death cast upon, my only regret is, not doing enough to live to the fullest.

Moving forward, I want to take a step to reduce the sin of my tongue. I read an article about how to ease a stormy heart and why we often have such feeling. It is said that, we need to be mindful of our small little thoughts, words and actions that may seems to be harmless but still consider a sin in God's eyes. Its like an eye opener in a way. How little we thought about our daily doing. Often we focus on the bigger picture of evil and wrong doing. Small little devilish act does not take into consideration.

So much so on the spiritual matters. Most important is, be grateful of what we have. Life has changed me so much till what I am today. What used to matters ...does not matter anymore.

Forgive and let go....even if you are hurt the most. Time will heal it. Learned the lesson from it. There are something that money just cannot buy. Things like manners, attitude and integrity.

Take life as it goes. I will move on for sure if opportunity swing by. I miss travelling very much!