Seasons greetings! Ending 2013.....

Seasons greetings! Ending 2013.....

I am fully swing night shift after come back from long holiday. Went back home to my parent. My last trip was during my cousin's funeral. Thereafter only a phone call to my parent.

It is such a wonderful feeling to be home. All of us came back as well. Both my sisters flew down from KL. I took coach home on Wednesday, Shan tailed along by Friday. So is the rest of them ; 3 of my sisters.

My journey was a huge challenge in away. Coach did not arrive on time though it is schedule to leave 0830am. By 0900am the ticket counter staff informed us to board the double Decker coach that will leave by 0930am. I am so reluctant. I hate that double Decker coach.

0915am our coach finally arrive only to find out that it is a substitute coach. The executive could not make it. Driver was on MC or something. The replacement coach was shabby, old and stinky. Felt riding a fish market. I got my single seat...smelly and curtain dangle all over. I am holding a patience as a Saint by then.
Swear to God I am so pulling the RCP attitude. Shan reminded me, just hang in there. Things happen for a reason. Don't spoil your mood over things you cannot control. Just sit back, relax and think bright ahead that you are going home.

Settled, I changed my seat..put on some music and doze off for rest of journey. Ride home was easy then.
Upon arrival my school friend pick me up...ex-bf to be exact. 20 years I did  not see him. We went for lunch. Dad call me once to check where am I. He send me home. Invited him in for a cuppa. Chat a bit with my parent and we continue to share lots of stories in between.

While on the way, I spoke to Zul. Told him I am coming home today. Hope to see him later as well. He came the same night. I was so delighted and happy. 20 years apart as well. He is a changed man. Life has really took him for a ride. He is married to far relative from my mom side. Hurmm...small world then.

One thing strange about this guy now, he seek forgiveness from everyone in our group. I mean, it is ok to certain extend by my heart sense there is more to it than just saying sorry. I m going to find that out soon.

Next in the list was another buddy of mine - Rajisman Ali. Little that I know, someone felt hurt by my photo updates. Suhaimi Rashid was so upset that I had no intention of meeting up with him. He was the one who found me via Hafizd and yet I did not acknowledge it at all. Oh my..oh my. Apologize deeply,..how inconsiderate I am. Too indulge into these three that I forgot him. We met the next day for a tea.

Friday was the arrival of my sweetheart and rest of the princess. My 2nd sister arrived on last flight from KL. Her luggage did not arrived. That has caused lot of inconvenient for her. All her baby stuff is inside the luggage. Filed report and seek assistance from my office. Lucky it arrives the next day. They came to deliver it.

Saturday, late afternoon I went to Kuantan for our school reunion. It was held at a bowling center. Met both of my school mate for the first time too in 20 years. Nina and Elly Halim.

Met up with rest of the team at the bowling center. It was a wonderful moment and finally I met Rajisman Ali. It was almost tearfully. Quick to pull me aside, we had a heart to heart chat. I  miss him so. He said, 20 years he search for me. So many tales and stories. We are parted into our own path, 20 years vanish in the thin air.

Back to the group....tournament begin. I didn't join. My wrist injury prevent it. We had so much fun. This group of mine nothing literally changed. Married with kids ...but still kid at heart. We laugh so hard at each other..teased so hard. I had to leave by 0800pm. Could not join the dinner.

Two of my primary school friends came over for dinner to see me. I must be so absent minded that I forgotten, I m going home. They got a bit upset. Make up with them on Monday before me and Shan depart home. These two Effa and Azlina is a different level of people. With them I can share more of what I do for a living. Leveling with them is easier. Current affairs or even global revolving matters can be a good topic to talk about.

While the rest is merely for fun and hell break lose all the time. One of my friend said, hearing the tales of how funny and nonsense my school batch is...one can go cuckoo! Now you know..

Sunday was a lazy day. Went out late evening to meet up with another batch. These boys...nothing can ever changed them. Same old teasing attitude.

Reality check came soon after. Back to work...busy day. Sleeping like a dog...work and juggle my time to find a quality living.

Hit with a sad news. My manager is leaving. He is going back to music industry. Few of other colleague left.

Suddenly I felt so empty. My manager might be many things. He is not the superb manager but we get along well. Every time if I need to throw my tantrums over job issue, he will be the one to have to listen. Comfort zone...he is gone now.

With so many empty desk around the office, I felt strongly it is time for me to make a move too. I am trying hard for a better opportunity. Nothing positive came by yet. Hopefully soon.

Before I leave for my long holiday, attended my friend's sister engagement. Held at one Brahmin Hall Asst. In Jalan Ipoh. When me and Shan arrives its almost over, guest are having dinner. It catches my eyes that I saw my friend's father standing at the corner of the hall entrance....I sensed already something is not quite right.

Went straight in...say hi to the happy couple..took few photos. Met his mom and she quick to pull my hand aside...there was some turbulence earlier caused by her husband..well that explained it. I told her to calm down and hold their horses. Let the ceremony completed and the rest we settle outside. She seems very upset and annoyed by what happened.

 I did not see my friend anywhere so me and Shan decided to fill our tummy first. Then I saw my friend..he was about to marched after his father whom keep causing trouble...his mom grab him then..

I said hi and calmed him down....not even second after a huge argument broke outside the temple. War of words....I walk to Shan whom is about to finish his meal...told him what happen. I said we better leave...its getting to complicated and it breaks my heart to witness this. He agreed...I went in to bid farewell to the couple. My message to her is...take care and hold your patience..no matter what. Puzzled...she said ok. The hall music is loud enough to shield the embarrassment outside.

Both of us make our way....feeling very disturb. Personally I knew this thing will happen...I have been in that family for almost 10 years. Its very delicate and complicated matters. Especially when it comes to family issue. It is a known problem. 

Oldies can be beyond reason at times. They brought us up with morals, value and religiously manner. As they are getting old..they can be beyond help. We learned over the years...they can be a person that we should not look up for but rather a living example that we shall not end up as such. For some...they are lucky enough to have parents as role model.

I make my way to my God mother's house. Dear Donny is celebrating his birthday. Full house..everyone is there. We got together famously...chat..drink and cake cutting. Spend time to chat with almost all of them. 

This family has been in my life for almost 7 years now...like every other family including mine..we are broken in some way but fast to mend it...so no matter what we stick together with all those scars and wounds. That what makes us stronger. There were days we clawed each other...of the many that we hug each other.

This pet brother of mine is the black sheep of the family. Big time trouble maker. Not much progress since. He live a day at a time...future plan..zero. Junkie in way..bottles his best friends. He has a heart of gold..only if his path is correctly set. A lawyer or at least a pilot he is I can say.  

Despite the celebration..I went home with a huge hole in my heart. Reached home at 1am..showered and sleep.

One may enjoy being connected vis media social..others might be in person..while some spend time travelling around the world...no matter what we have our own way to stay connected..and finding purpose of living. Turbulence..stormy days came and go...make do with what we have the most.

This year of 2013, there has been too many departure. It sadden me to the level of numb. Today my dear colleague father passed away. I came in early for my shift to fill in. 

I am so beyond bad news now. Upon hearing the lost ...be it sudden or numbered days...I don't even know how to react anymore....

When I said I am so so loved...it is also a mirror to those around me. You only get back what you give...simple! This love and being loved works both ways. Love and respect is earned...it will have to start internally..then only the rest fall into places.

Our attitude says a lot about things that happen in our life. If you can't find humor in what life throws at you then you have not reach the happiness level yet...be sad when you need to, be happy when you should...

Nobody is perfect....live life to the fullest. Life is really really so short.

I walk down the memory lane because I know that I'll run into youthere....

Beautiful Sunday morning, the sun is hiding somewhere giving way to sort gloomy weather. I am very much comfortable in this weather..while on the way to work this morning misty highway makes it more comfy to snuggle rather than work.

Since the last updates life has been good and wonderful in a way. Still hanging on the knot, searching for great opportunity to swing by into another field.

My recent found school reunion has been tremendous. 20 years apart, tales from each of us enough to make anyone counting their blessing one way or another. I found my football captain ~ Zulrisham Kadri. Had a brief chat with him over the phone, followed by message exchanged. He is thrown one corner of the earth, far from busy city life that both of us used to indulge in.

He said there is a long story behind it and above all he believe everything happen for a reason. He is earning a decent living there ; enough for his family and kids. We have to catch up for sure. I need to know what happen to him (more kepoh than ever!!). It was another friend of mine - Ahmad Suhaimi whom found him, shared his recent photos via whatsapp and these boys...God Almighty start to send me picture of Zul..mad house !

Yesteday Hafizd Helmi held wedding ceremony lunch for his brother. Invited these school clan as well. My parent did went over too which was quick updated via Facebook that they saw my parent. Geez...these boys..I don't know to smile or just rolled my eyes !...CNN big time.

Life has stretch us from what we used to be. With the recent UPSR result announcement, I am proud to see that those who had become parent ; their kids is doing very very well. Far from what we were in school. The least it is better than older generation.

As much as I am happy and excited over this reunion thing...I am looking forward to met up with my clan (snob!). The rest will make way in between. There was me, Zulhisham, Khairul Azman, Rajisman Ali and Suhaimi Rashid. These five stick together like a glue through out and they eventually make my house second home. Especially Zul...always seems to be around playing table tennis with my dad.

Another side of story, I uploaded primary school photos. Standard Five - messages and phone number exchanged. We don't change much appearance wise, just aged. 90% of them went to the same secondary school. We just expand our friendship with kids from other school in the district.

There will be a small gathering on the girl group which I m often left behind as busy with the football team. Since I am 'vanish' in the thin air for 20 years...its a pleasure to see these girls whom very likely having average 5 kids each now. Some of their kids already in their 17th years of age. Its like married the very next week after final SPM paper.

(Off the record. My parent often strike fear in me and siblings...if we are not good in our studies, they will married us off and become full time housewife. Then we are stuck forever in the small town without ambition and all. Trust me....it is my biggest fear. With our last drop of blood we strive to get away from this small town..by hook or crook. Then in our 20s my parent again on our back for suitable time to get married. Hell it is not  happening like they wished for. They shapped us to be stern and vocal..speak our mind and find our own course. Suitor will not come overnight for sure.)

Looking back over the years, as I stated before we cannot measure one's path based on how they were back then. Of course one must have direction or at least ambitious enough what you want to be when you grow up.
It is good if you have a good course or at least earn a decent living.

I have learned too that few of them pass away due to illness or accident. Some because of drugs. Which is sad. It is like our play ground we see each other almost daily for half a day. Then to learned that they are gone..such a disbelief too.

For now I looked forward to come back home. Need to bring my mom to see doctor and also catch up with my school buddies. Foresee it will be lots of tales and stories. Years in counting may sound short or at time may seems long enough to make you wonder ...what has happen during those times. 20 years this time for me felt so long. 20 long years that has changed us into what we are today.

Above all I can say is...those whom in my chatting/message/phone call now are good people. Nothing has changed much on them in the manner of humbleness. Those whom not in the list...to speak their attitude has not changed either. As snob as I am...there is a difference between me the lovable snob and those whom always find a way to be outstanding with no reason. That group of people is not welcome at all. My clan still speak the same wave length...

Last week my aunt and uncle came down to my late cousin residence in Puchong. Did some prayers for her. It has been two months since. Thankfully my aunt and uncle acceptance is much better. When tragedy strike..it is amzing how people can really change. Especially their connection to the creator. Believe me when I say... just pray in good time or bad time. The spiritual and soul connection in the name of prayers...amazing. Just amazing.

Both of my sister went, me on the other hand at work. My aunt shared that she believe her daughter new on her condition in some way. While clearing the house, they found mane religious book and some that says...power of acceptance.

I can't seems to find the correct words or sentence to describe how do I really feel about her death. Accepted ? Yes I am but I can still feel her presence around...so does everyone I think in my family.

Life has to go on. As time pass my inner feeling is calling me home badly. I had my fun  years here. Was talking to Joanna last week....she too felt the urge of doing something meaningful for herself. It might not be as much as our earning now but it is meaningful.

I am so thinking about coming home to my parent soon.

While on FB the other day I came across a post. It is said that, don't look too much into the joyous time in the past. Our become so and so backward that we want to be in that time so we do not have to face what the future holds.

Not facing what the future holds? I don't think so. It is nice and wonderful to talk about good old days. But reality check will come knocking before you know it. It is merely a rememberance for all those sweat, tears, blood..laughter and sweet memories. Nothing more.

There shall be many how I wish...but as I said reality check. You must stand on the reality ground...the future is bright ahead. How you see it ..it is up to you...no pain no gain..

We love life, not because we are used to living but because we are used to loving ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

I have many things I hate nowadays which often hidden behind the counted blessing. At one point I am grateful enough for everything, then it all started to backfire in a way. Maybe I am just sitting in the execuse that is piling up daily. 

There is a need of a change for sure. What have I done so far ...well not much. It is not nothing but not much effort to it. Basically I have not push it to the limit for all the changes, wishes and dreams that I want. I used to love what I do for a living. The good old days is drifting away. 

Does power makes people mean ? Oh yes it does. Link : http://edition.cnn.com/2013/10/24/business/does-power-make-you-mean/index.html?hpt=hp_c5 

We have walked the horrible days of a leader, I guess it will come to that soon. Need a change badly and I am working on it. Should nothing satisfying swing by..just tie a knot and hang on. 

Last week I had a visitor. Friend of a century..he is a friend, admirer, devil and angle. We fought, we scracth, we cried, snuggle and cuddle...name it. At the end we still together. The only thing about me and this guy is...divided we stand but united we fall. Loving him as a whole but living with him is another story. We can stand on same floor not more than two days. 

Collected my Kim Kardashian - Gold Perfume plus some other goodies he bought. He is always been my perfume contributors. I envy his life at times. Travelling and circling the globe like nobody's business. He has completed more than half of the continents. Left South America and Africa that has not been conquered yet. 

Among the conversation that we had that night was about loneliness. I told him that I am very lonely at times with no one to be call a true friend by my side. Apart from my lover, I don't have much of a friend to be call friends. 

He said, in our own circle there are people who dying to have our life. Yet we are a loner. We are a loner not because there is no one to be friends with, we are a loner because we set up a standard or par, who to be with and who not to be. If that person unable to reach to our level or thinking, attitude or even react then he/she is not fit into our life. Whilst these people accept us the way we are plus they enjoy our companion. So who is the screw up now...we or them. (I hate him if he is right)

On top of all these, he labelled me a snob. Always been a snob I am it seems. Oh well I did not notice that! (I hate him more... :-) Snob or not I am my father's daughter. My siblings behave the same. We are not a blonde in house of bunny that's for sure. 

One story after another...we end up sleeping at 0600am. Damm! I was so Panda the next morning! Over all I realize that he is much more lonelier than I am. Being used to him over 20 years ...I just let it be. Bottom line I knew he meant well whatever the issue was. 

At the point when we thought we are screwed...just pause and have a look around. Nothing much I can say about it...as I said...Loving him as a whole but living with him is another story. We have walked heaven and hell to be where we are now. He is having a life time fun and experience in travelling. 

Experience where most of us just can afford to dream about it. We bid farewell and reality cast upon us again.  

I am back into the huge mansion and he is back to his family. We had a good time yes. When shall we see each other again..well god knows! I want to make a point to travel to States with him once. While he is still having the previleges.. 

Yesterday afternoon while I was taking a nap, a phone call came in. I have no idea who the guy was. What kept me going was when he mentioned we went to same school. After few minutes of teaser, he reveal himself. Oh man!...this year is so a year of lost and found. Ahmad Suhaimi Rashid. Legendary one of our gang member. Then a phone call from another school friend ; Hafiz. He said lost my number and can't seems to find a way how to get it back. Then he remember my dad...he call him to get my number. Unbelievable! Funny and witty as usual. 

On the other hand, my old flame - no more on FB. His wife block me out. Whatever...I am snob anyway! He call me once a while to say hi. I said too bad your wife did that but just leave it as it is. Woman can be complicated. Don't start a war cause it will be a battle you can't win. 

Chatted with my new found school mate, he asked me to join ex SMDMM 1989 to 1993 page on FB. Many of us are in there. True enough..entire battalion is there. The next alumni I will put my leg in for sure. It is unbelievable how we are in our 3 series now. 

The good old days. 0745am to 1300hrs daily Mon to Fri. Took same bus to and from school. Well known in the school. I got to dig the old school album..wait! It will be right up in that school FB page.. 

I am still looking for the football team captain. He is still missing. No one knows where is he. Like vanish in the thin air. Everyone seems to be around but not him. We are divided into few groups in a way. Not all get along well. Generally everyone is good to each other. Just the click is different...

My phone has not stop since then...friend request pouring in like mad. Whatsapp message..the worst was I don't really know most of them. Felt like Rachel Green from Friends. They knew me...my bad!

Then a message came in from one of the girl Nina...there is on person whom holding her by the knee for my number. I m speechless...who could that be...?...Turn out to be another of my close buddy also...Rajisman Ali. Number exchanged and I felt like crying.....20 years man....!! He was also looking for me high and low. Off the record...during school time my boyfriend don't really like him...hehehe..

He is now with DRB Hicom.

Mission soon will accomplish...I need to find that Football Captain and few girls is next on the list... My parent can remember them by heart until today. Just mentioned to them one name - they quick to know what happen to each and everyone of this school batch of mine. 

The best time of my life was during school....nothing replace it..absolutely none.....

“I guess by now I should know enough about loss to realize that you never really stop missing someone-you just learn to live around the huge gaping hole of their absence.” ― Alyson Noel, Evermore

Peaceful Sunday morning. Woke up early for prayers and dooze of again for a while. Can't sleep much though. Since my mind is so acting drafting what I want to write in my blog later...might as well do it now.

Sun has raised, peeping through the trees surround my parents house. It is the 3rd day my dear cousin Razaini Binti Siti Ani has left us. Still shocked over her death and I am still digesting the aftermath.

We all knew what will be the ending upon the news she is diagnose with colon cancer about 3 months ago. Sadly that news only came to our knowledge mid of Ramadhan. As I updated before, her parent rather is stage of denial. Cannot accept that their child has been diagnose with such terminal illness.

We all rushed back home to visit her by then. My last chat with her was the eve of Eid. Went with Shan just to say hi and check on her condition. Chatty and witty as normal, though her health has decline rapidly. Then after Eid I was back in KL and did not check that regular. My 2nd sister did called up to my uncle and check on her condition, I knew about her then bit by bit.

Late Thursday night of 5th September about 2200hrs, my sister called in with news that she is in comatose stage now. My parent already there at the hospital with rest of family members. Thereafter, my sleep mode already deactivated. Cannot sleep at all. I can't remember what time that I finally knock out.

Then Friday morning about 0710am while I am on my to work, my 3rd sister called in. My dear cousin has passed away at 0615am. Friday, 6th September @ 30th Syawal. Drop by at the office, took a few stuff and rush back home. We want to leave soonest possible before the funeral take place. Last respect at least. Called up to my mom...she also fighting back tears...they all came back home about 0500am that morning. Will be leaving again shortly she said.

We assemble at my 3rd sister's place, took our belonging at drive through all the way back to Kuantan. In between call up to my dad to find out on the progress. We will do out best to arrived but traffic was not that much on our side anyway. With God's will, we will arrive on time..if  not...we had seen her too during her healthy stage. Not much to regret then...

Quick stop at Maran R&R and we safely arrived in Kuantan about 1200noon. Fought our way to heavy traffic as all Muslim men prepare to go for Friday prayers. My parent had to leave home by then as my nephew already throwing tantrums. My dad told us to make way straight to the graveyard at Taman Setali, Kuantan. We arrived there about 1230noon just in time. Her fragile body has been laid in. Went to met her mom ; my aunt. She was so un-consolable. My cousin known to us as Akak...my aunt keep repeating to us...Akak dah tiada. Three of us sisters stood there numb. All my other aunt and uncle presence as well. So many people there I did not have a chance to see all.

The funeral was in a rush too as people need to go for Friday prayers. The Talkin was not smooth as well. As it the reader was doing it the first time. Somehow my cousin's name was not properly mentioned and that old Talkin reader was studder. We all just kept it to our self and pray for her soul to rest in peace and grant Janatul Firdausi.

Everything went well and ended by first Azan cast of that Friday afternoon. My uncle went around to say thank you while my aunt drop herself and sat down beside the grave. My 2nd sister went to stand there too. As she stood there recite doa, I was with my other cousins and aunt consoling ourselves.

Then my 2nd sister came by and whisper to me, go and stand where I stood. Asked for forgiveness and give forgiveness. She can still hear us before everyone leave finally. I did that. Upon we said goodbye to her mom, she hold our hands and asked us to go to her house now.

Upon arrival at my cousin's house, other family members is there too. Many from my cousin brother wife 's side. We sat down for a while then everyone came back.

My aunt was so lost, denial and tried her level back to act as normal. Well she shouldn't do that in the first place....it is not easy dealing with oldies. They are not us...these oldies they are beyond reason at times. We just leave things the way they are. Upon arrival my aunt quick to clear the house and went to rinse cloth that was used during the bathe earlier. Informing us bit by bit what has transpired for the past 3 months.

My cousin came back home for about four days earlier. She was so happy beyond words. Took the longest shower ever my aunt said....

My and my sister stood there and fighting back tears as my aunt said, my cousin's lung had burst. Her internal organ failed miserably already. It was when she wanted to take a bath that Thursday evening. A wave of shock struck her and the nostril tube was fill with blood. Doctor came and check....her lung has just burst. Her last word to her parent was "wait for a moment".

Many visitor came by then including the residence Imam. He told both my aunt and uncle....it is time...redha on her departure now. That is when my aunt said to her

"Akak, mak dengan abah redha jika akak nak pergi. Mak dengan abah ampun segala dosa2 akak...mak dengan abah halal segala makan minum"

That time my aunt said can see her tears rolling. It is the first time since her diagnosis that she cast a tears. Thereafter her stage already in coma.

We hang around the house for a while. My aunt was busy with do not know what. Asked all the biscuits and cookies to be taken out to all guest. Some of the oldies there hold her back and said.....its a funeral not a celebration. Just calm down and take it easy.

She insist on us to go and have some food. Owh my...not us for sure. We just could not swallow anything. Visitor start to increase and it became a bit crowded. We then politely say to her we want to take leave now.

She hugs all of us and said do not forget her.....she has no daughter now. Don't just leave her alone. To me was rather lenghty. Make sure I take care of my health and do a regular check. Her daughter was in the same condition as I am. Fybroid and cysts.

Said goodbye to my uncle and we left. Stopped by at Old Town White coffee for a quick bite. Super hungry. We assess the situation back at my aunt house..who and whom plus what and when. In between we just sit in silence...trying to accept what has happen.

We arrived home close to 1600hrs. My parent just finish their so call lunch. Took shower and sat down with them. Exchange news and opinion. The crowd was greater at the mosque, my mom said. Dad was a bit upset as he could not be at the grave. My super hyper nephew start his tantrums....

That night was the tahlil...great crowd as well.

We will bid our goodbye today. It will take a long time for us to accept her departure for sure. This is the first young death in our family. I mean from my maternal side....this is the first ever...

After the funeral, at my aunt house I came across my cousin's best friend ; Barathi. She immediately sat in front of me and cried. Just last Sunday she brought her parent wall the way from KL to see my cousin. These two can be seen all over the place in KL. From Lake Garden to Carcosa Seri Negara..name it...adventurous and explorer. I knew Barathi from my cousin too.

Before we depart from the grave I bump into another school friend of hers...Elyna. Short Hi and I have to leave already. We continue to exchange news via her FB page later on that evening.

Yesterday afternoon my mom did call my aunt. Her relatives from Singapore just arrives. My aunt send the same reminder again....don't just leave her alone. My mom said, we won't from those days we are just as we are now. Nothing will change.

Today on the way back to KL...my mind just travel back to all those moments. Facing the departure of love ones is hard.....I guess the hardest part is the aftermath. How do we stand and move on....not many will find an immediate courage to move on...worst still to let go.This cousin of mine is a pillar. She is the strength of her parent. Between she and her mom is the love hate relationship as they both look a like.

3 months duration to take care of a patient is enduring. No child can guarantee to stay that long for a parent, but that was the duration that both my aunt & uncle stayed with their child. Parent often will...the rule of life is..no parent should bury their child. It is a turning point for them...devastated..eating them inside out for years to come.

I am speaking from the point that I have witnessed of the many....good family..good child and good parent. The other side of coins..well I have witness that too. More of Karma. When death came upon, it is a moment of one thousand one million repent. Thankfully I has taken me closer to my creator....found so many answers too.

Before I depart home, my dad call me to him and interrogate about my health. Alhamdulillah so far so good. He gave me few doa to recite after Fardhu prayers. Simple yet meaningful.

I m back to home sweet home....felt a bit better today. Yesterday was a terrible day for me. Body ache like crazy ! I can't even walk properly. To sit or to get up is a nightmare...every angel lock. Took Panadol twice and even hot shower..nothing works.

Mom said, we are in this descendant cannot simply step to the graveyard...if not headache, it will be body ache. Hurmm....we are suffer from that headache since Thursday night. Thankfully it went off soon after.
My back and legs still hurt much...just holding in patiently.

I believe in Karma, and if you put a positive vibes to everybody, that's all you're going to get back ~ Kesha

Ramadhan came and go. We are still in Syawal...Now is the season of Open House. Malaysian are so so good at celebrating food. It is all year around kind of event. After this will be Diwali then Christmas....offices will held celebration for each of festival. Our Eid was joyous! Tiring..super tired. I think years to come we will just cater food. No more self cooking; well probably one or two dishes.

 

Mostly nowadays, people use disposal paper plate and cups. I think my dad will shoot me that black look if I come out with this suggestion. He is not the one whom washing and cleaning up.

 

Due to age and health, my dad did not make Lemang anymore. I miss the good old days. 30 to 40 pieces of lemang is just easy peasy those days. The best part is...first day itself finished. 2nd day of Eid mom did Laksa and 3rd Day Nasi Minyak. Me..what did I do..well apart from washing dishes and cleaning up...wait..that is all that I can remember the most. Owh my...

 

1^st day of Hari Raya was busy with visitors. Once a year kind of relatives. We often see them at this time of the year only. Any other than this, it will be a major event like wedding or funeral.

 

A day before Hari Raya, I went to the hospital. My cousin has lost 21kg of her weight.  She seems excited for Hari Raya. Even my aunt has lost some kilos. They took turned to stay with my cousin at the hospitals. Day time my uncle and night time my aunt.

 

There are some insurance issue to be settle too. Her company paid compasation in full already. Just wait for the insurance to clear up. One thing for sure, the process is not as easy as upon signing up. Why it happen such a way, because of too many fraud cases. Due to criminal’s matter, genuine people whom in the need money for treatment suffers the most.

 

This year Hari Raya was a sweet ones among all, my dear Nenek Zizah came with one of her daughter whom I have not met for 20 years. She is staying in Johor. The last I saw her was when her daughter was 3 years old..now that girl is 23 years old. She scream upon seeing me and we jump like school kids...everyone roar with laughter.

 

Chat up heartily and make up with most of good old days stories.  The old Nenek Zizah classy as ever...hugging and sentimental emotions. Her last daughter now in Shah Alam. Finished her course and working with DRB HiCom. The old lady stays on her own now. Her other son is staying close by. Good to know that someone is there to keep an eye on her.

 

I remember much of my childhood by then. Running in their yards through the mud and puddles.

Peep into the deep weld. Scared over the sound of Padi machine processor...run and hide behind her.

 

Nenek Zizah daughter said, her mother dressed up since about 1600hrs. Then heavy rain pour, the trip to my house cancelled. So after marghrib she propose again to come to my house. They all agree but there is a stop over to a relative’s house. By then it is almost 2200hrs. So they decided to go back since it is a bit late to visit now. To much of their dismay...Nenek Zizah was rather adamant.  She said it is not that late..let’s go...awww....so sweet of her. All her knee pain seems gone when it come to a trip to my house.

 

That night they left with a great memory fond into me. I told them, if everything is OK, 3^rd day of Hari Raya we will go and visit.

 

On the 2^nd day of Hari Raya, late evening I was having a chat with my dad in the yard...a visitor came...family friends. The Ikan bakar owner...nice family.

 

3^rd day of Hari Raya as promised we make a trip to Nenek Zizah’s house. Nothing much has changed about this old lady. She was so so excited to see us. Her last son is also there with the family. First time is 20 years I am seeing Meriam Buluh again...that was like so old skool man! Where on earth can  you see this thing again. Really typical Kampung yes.I felt like a kid watching how they blast it...my nephew of course above all is the most excited ones.

 

From that house we went all the way to Kuala Pahang – fisherman’s village. We took the inner route. Again...that route I have not pass for more than 20 years. The story behind that route...my school boyfriend house was along the way towards the fisherman’s village.

 

So so may changes. The village does not exist anymore, make ways for highways. I wonder then where is that school lovers of mine now. My sister was teasing....your ex MIL Kampung ..just shut up I said.

 

Arrived into Kuala Pahang..The Ikan Bakar family. Warm welcome. Upon stepping into their house, there was life size tiger toy. My nephew and niece went over the hills. Excited!...the house owner said, he bought it to scare away monkeys. Which he said work very well.

 

There is jungle nearby, these pheasants monkeys came into the house and starts to become nuisance. Upon seeing that large tiger soft toys...it seems those monkeys scatters and run like mad.

At that point I am feeling rather...I am so back home town. This is the life..

 

Me and Shan came back on Monday 12^th August 2013. I reschedule my check up for 17^thAugust.

 

I was hospitalize again end July. Three days for a minor surgery.  It has been almost a month and I think my health issue is still the same. My next check up is due on 3^rd September. Hope all are ok.

 

A week after I came back to KL, life goes on as normal. Then while browsing through a friend’s FB page...I saw a familiar name.  A quick message to this friend of mine..then it happen. I got a trace of my school lovers. Old flame! Text message exchanged and voila ! It’s him !

 

My my...19 years passed. Well I did meet him in 2002 I think in KL. Some story sharing and lots of information updates. Found few more of my school friends too. But the one that I am looking for, still lost. He was the captain of our football team back in school. God knows where he is now. Maybe someday I will find him again.

 

This ex lover of mine, the football captain and few more are in one group. We are together everywhere. Cut schools..cut classes..name it. But that time our social problem was not into drugs or free sex. It is merely being mischief. Going against the rule...the most bizarre and bad thing we did was smoking...that was it! There is a drug issue of course but not very minor.  There are no synthetic drugs too during my time. Weed, cocaine, heroine...no ice no ecstasy and all.

 

Gang fight was among boys rather than girls. Nowadays girl involve in gang fight more than boys does. My last sister should earn a credit for this...she is dam good at it though. All that stories came after school of course.

 

It is good to be able to catch up with him again. He is in his 2^nd marriage now. The first did not worked out. His parent still around...stayed at different location since their village demolished for new highway project. All his sister’s is married too. I remember both girls well. Sweet and mischief in their own way. His mom kinda disappointed that it did not work out well for us.

 

Hmm...I was off to varsity by then aunty. Ain’t gonna wait for your son whom do not want to pursuit anything educationally right... J J. Plus...we are like what 17 years old. So not gonna happen man!

I left him...yup. I did left him and went away...

 

He said, every year without fail, he will pass by my house at least once. I grin to myself..all these years...

 

Its 4am on 28^th August 2013. I am on night shift. Yesterday evening I had a wish of Hari Raya came from my cousin. Our ties remain below the radar for a while now.

 

I shared with her about what has happen all these years while we are not in talking terms. After my fourth uncle’s death..the mole came to light. We patch the puzzle and the jigsaw kind of completed now. Come to think about it, if both of my family and her family was such a bad people....I wonder why the one that fallen apart is the story teller’s family now.

 

God Almighty! You will get back what you give..karma will slap you back.

Butterfly Kisses for Daddy ...happy birthday...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SwlAdEnT-do&sns=em

She was sent here from heaven and she's daddy's little girl.
As I drop to my knees by her bed at night
She talks to Jesus and I close my eyes
and I thank god for all of the joy in my life
Oh, but most of all

For butterfly kisses after bedtime prayer;
sticking little white flowers all up in her hair;
"Walk beside the pony, Daddy, it's my first ride."
"I know the cake looks funny, Daddy, but I sure tried."
Oh, with all that I've done wrong, I must have done something right
To deserve a hug every morning And butterfly kisses at night.

Sweet 16 today
She's looking like her mama a little more everyday
One part woman, the other part girl.
To perfume and make-up from ribbons and curls
Trying her wings out in a great big world.
But I remember...

Butterfly kisses after bedtime prayer;
sticking little white flowers all up in her hair.
"You know how much I love you, Daddy,
But if you don't mind I'm only gonna kiss you on the cheek this time."
Oh with all that I've done wrong I must have done something right
to deserve her love every morning and butterfly kisses at night.

All the precious time
Like the wind, the years go by.
Precious butterfly.
Spread your wings and fly.

She'll change her name today.
She'll make a promise and I'll give her away.
Standing in the bride-room just staring at her.
She asked me what I'm thinking and I said
"I'm not sure-I just feel like I'm losing my baby girl."
She leaned over

Gave me butterfly kisses with her mama there,
Sticking little white flowers all up in her hair
"Walk me down the aisle, Daddy-it's just about time."
"Does my wedding gown look pretty, Daddy? Daddy, don't cry"
Oh, with all that I've done wrong I must have done something right.
To deserve her love every morning and butterfly kisses

I couldn't ask God for more, man this is what love is.
I know I gotta let her go, but I'll always remember
Every hug in the morning and butterfly kisses...

Songwriter(s):Randy Keith Thomas, Robert Mason Carlisle

Here and there again....Georgie Anne's Tale...

Hectic weekend, thankfully I've gotten three days off till Monday. Today start on the night shifts until my last working day on 4th August. On leave thereafter for Eid.

The journey home was a successfully one. I am not in that emotional and sad stage anymore. It is like the sinner guilt feeling lift off my chest. She is one tough cookie. Her will of acceptance rather strong as a diamond. Upon our visit she is like every other normal days...witty funny and ample to complaint about.

Her mom did apologize to all of us for not able to share that illness information early. It is very hard on her I guess to accept the fact that her daughter is in that final stage condition. We did not shed tear while talking to the patient but when her parents hug us before we leave home.

Since she unable to take any food anymore, she requested for soursoup juice. My 2nd sister manage to buy one from Pasar Tani, blend into smoothies. She had it heartily.

After Ifttar that night me and my 3rd sister went to the hospital again. My goodness, so many people visiting ..over whelmed than the patient. The patient I must say in a very tired stage condition. I do understand the need to visit just in case she pass on unexpectedly. But then again, too much of a crowd will bring much of negativity aura.

Let me tell you for sure...the amount of question and over concerned citizen just agitate her further.
Not everyone knows how to speak nor asked properly.

We stood at the reception of that ward awaits correct moment to approach her. There are relatives, neighbours, friends until I don't know who is who around. Only three patients in that ward...the crowd fit into two coach I think.

My uncle came to us. It breaks our heart to see a sad face of a father. He is one of nicest man ever. It is not easy for him to take it as well. He explained further on how her daughter illness took place right about a week after the surgery..by then they knew something is wrong somewhere.

They are not young anyomore...to have to attend to a sick child when it suppose to be the other way around..it is very painful. No parent should ever have to burry their child....

Then her mom waived us to come over which we did. Chat a bit and asked her if there is anything here in KL that she need us to do for her. So far none....she did request from my 2nd sister for a pair of shoe this coming Eid.

My 2nd sister told her college batch the news....it is a shock to all. I guess we are oblige in a way to inform who we think suppose to be told.

After leaving the hospital that afternoon I arrived home to know that my dad and her dad has gone to find someone that knows how to cure her illness. At this stage there is no cure but only to eased a bit so she does not suffer that much. Dad arrived late evening about 7pm only. All went well. It is a long drive away from our current place.

Among the conversation that we had with my mom...she told us one of our elderly uncle does not speak the volume that benefits all. Blunt and too harsh till it hurt many of those who arrived to visit the patient first time round. Both my uncle and aunt hurt the most until they prefer him not to come.

He said that ....this kind of thing should not happen if we ladies live our life in good manner. I gave my mom that black look! What good manner...married you mean ? a husband and married life does not guarantee eternity. Asked him to look over his backyard first before putting his nose into other's yard. His own kids having two marriage failure...Started lah then...I was furious and mad! What nonsense....

Then my mom slow talk with the wife...just asked him to speak properly and shut up when needed. You yourself still have un married kids...so behave!

Since all of us came back at one batch, mom open up home stay for some of us. Took shower and rest..then by about 4pm we went to Pasar Ramadhan. My my...it is good to be home for sure. Not only cheaper but it is the food that grew up with. Before we leave ...mom gave a gentle reminder...items here are cheaper than KL so please do not buy the entire bazaar OK...

Must buy item ...Ikan bakar, Murtabak Raja, Puding Raja, Lompat Tikam and Nekbat. We bought 3 pieces of stingray fish and 3 pieces of large squid at RM50. If in KL...prepare to pay at least RM80 to RM90.

Stop at the Murtabak Raja...bought 3 pieces at no cost. This family always year in year out will just give us...I think if ever I got a chance to go again before Eid...am gonna get Shan to go and buy. Kind of embarrassing, we want to buy but they just give us in the name of charity for my dad.

The ordering part was rather special, as I stood there they knew whom it is for. I got my dad's face like photocopy... :-)

Travel back on Sunday and the entire days was just resting. My illness still remain the same. Both mom and dad trying to find traditional remedy. See how it goes.

Tried my level best to take a short nap before my night shift today. Failed big time. Woke up with a bit of agitated feeling and as the devil creep in I am in bad mode over so many things.

Received a phone call from a friend caused I missed him so... :-). Chat and shared a bit of my stormy heart. The rest of my to work journey left me thinking about all those things/moment/wish and demand that I do not have despite working hard on it and my prayer over it too. Its like why am I not getting what I want till now....

Then.....in my Isyak prayers late tonight....hmmmm....everything fall into places. The inner voice in my soul sort of slap me tight on my face.

No one....look at what I have. How my day to day path is not as painful as it used to be. Life is more blessed and peaceful. The stormy weather does not last that long. It is part and puzzle of a life of human.
I am very ambitious to tend to my parents needs and spend more time with them. Lets measure how many percent of that in the successful manner...well still long way to go. It is not there yet.

No two...love life...I had wrong man kinda type as long as I remember. Being beaten senseless by some that animal enough. For now, the man that I am having is like a god send. Yes...he may not be up to the par my expectations but in comparing to those wrong one..he is an angel. He has walked with me in the hardest time of my life....seen me in that hopeless and helpless condition. He has no reason to stick around...but he did.

I have decided....I don't care if its gonna take 10 years down the line for me to be with him. I will mend and take it one step at a time. This man is so good to me...so so good. Let me look at myself in casting my prayers and in the name of God how on earth that I really had take the correct path in the first place. Don't point fingers on others...let me point it out to me. I am not letting this on go for sure....

Above all...I am living this live of mine. The hardship, bitterness and sweet victory it is mine to call.

No three...I will continue to work hard on things that my of my wish and dream. Maybe I will get there..maybe I will not. For now I know I have to work my butt out on it. Be it a tour, job or better earnings...I can't sit around awaits miracle to happen...again self assessment is needed before I start to complaint...

No four...religiously...I will find the best way to improve and live a life in HIS blessing. I don't know how I am going to do this but...I am sure there is a way. My prayers often answered it is just I am too blinded to read behind the lines.

The list continue....can't update everything here right...I am surrounded by people who love me to my blood and bone. That alone is a blessing plus I am rich enough to have things that money cannot buy. Though it is much more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle...

As I am staying on my own, this Ramadhan I often ifttar on my own too. Simple dish prepared enough for me. As I seated at the dining table alone...can't help to feel a bit lonely. It will be quickly brushed off...there are others in this world that do not even have a meal let alone a place to be call home. I have a huge comfortable shelter...and it reminded me of my dear cousin whom in now in the stage of unable to consume any food anymore.

To her...I do admired her courage and will power. May we see each other again for this Eid..Insha Allah!
As I mentioned before...when tragedy strike. We paused and look back at all those moment that now become a memory. I had a good time with her. Family feud still happen...we just made do with how things are now. Maybe one day we will forgive and forget....it is sad to see the elders not in talking terms...
we as their young links...felt even harder pinch.

I got to look after my own self now...God knows what is failing inside me...worry...I am very very worry.
Nowadays the illness often terminal. No more long life span as it used to be...

Picture time.....hope I will be able to taste these again before Eid. That Saturday late night we seated at dining hall to enjoy these delicacies...my dad started his lecturing about us being sweet tooth. Not good for health since we are diabetic descended and all...list goes on...the longer he talked he faster we scoop the sweetness and leave like a whirlwind. Ears burning hot ! Then my dad caught my 3rd sister sipping from a bottle of Coke...hell break lose..kantoi big time!

Before we depart home, my mom handed over a picture of my late uncle. We miss him dearly...very very dearly. I often mentioned how my dad hold deep inside his heart about this brother of his. The regret of him will carry till the grave. It will be for all of us....if only...if only things were different. I always picture how nice it is now since we grew up already....it will be wonderful time together. I will for sure take both this uncle and my aunt to stay with us. Come what may....

Looking at this old photos...no wonder when everyone at home saw Shan for the first time...they said he look like my uncle Mokhtar....now I can see the resemblance. Tall, smart and good looking....

in the living years.....

Everytime a tragedy strike be it illness or pass on of love ones, our heart and mind will stop to digest, repent and then move on.

This evening I sat down and memories of us just flow like river. So many questions, so many regrets too. I don't even know where to begin honestly. For now, the best thing I can do for her is cast doa and prayers. My heart and mind is not in the right stage too....I cannot describe truly how I feel.

The pain that my heart carries is just to great to even describe it. What made it so pain is our memories...we truly had a wonderful years. It is her laughter and funny wit that is slicing through my heart now. Everything just flow....every bit of her words, stories and journey of life....

Can't help to feel like such a sinner....we often treat people misrably at times. I mean I did it at some stage out of anger, frustration and bad attitude. Now all I want is just to turn back time and redo all those journey again as better person.

The only one certainty of a life is death ..the only thing not certain about it is when and where.

In some families, please is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was sorry. ~ Margaret Laurence

June passed and here came July ; we are almost reaching to half of it. Ramadhan is approaching in couple of days time.

One of sign that we are getting older is the feeling of excitement going through another Ramadhan year after year. Deep down inside I am very grateful that I am still alive and kicking to celebrate this upcoming holy month. Whether or not I am going to be able to fast that is another story.

Health is in general OK, fever flu ...the normal stuff. The other matter of my health has not seize. Still walked through another long period of menstrual. I am just going to wait and see. Doctors appointment is coming up soon anyway. Maybe it has to be remove entirely....that is the best solution. I am going to find some traditional remedy now....who knows maybe it works.

Kind of hectic week for me. Mom is in town since last Sunday. It is nice and fun to have her around. My devilish nephew tag along of course. My brother skip school for a week. He cried his lung wanted to follow my mom to my house...what else to do. By right he suppose to be in school.

I was on night shift until Wednesday, pick her up from my 3rd sister's house and she spend the remaining days until Saturday morning. Thereafter I send her to my another sister's house in Setiawangsa. Dad came on Saturday as well. He had some family function in Temerloh earlier that morning.

After my shift this morning I make my way to Setiawangsa before they depart home. To see my dad's face beaming with broad smile upon seeing me is just priceless. We chat a bit and he is very very concern about my health now. They will try to work something out and let me know...maybe traditional is the best way. Still I need to see my Gyne to just look deep inside to see what is the problem this time.

Mom said, if it needed to be removed entirely just do it. Me on the other hand...to be open cut again and go through it all over again...sigh !...it is not like super fun where it is holiday like. The first surgery itself leave me with one thousand one million issue...be it my hair..my strenght...my immune system..name it. Hair drops like chemo therapy patient...i am easily tired...can't breathe properly too at times...the list just goes on.

It is not that I am not thankful for every other things that I have gracefully in  my life now. I am just saying and sharing what has transpired. The eyes cast upon does not weight the same as the shoulder that carries it.

What can I do at this point of time is to just go along with it and try to settle whatever arise one by one.

For now...I am missing my family already. How I wish my parent can stay with me. Come back home and there is someone at home....rather than empty house. Noted that it is not a bed of roses daily when you have others staying with you...but we just have to live with each other's prick.

My mom told me that her mom died of stomach cancer...life for them scattered around there after. She was too young to understand. One by one of her siblings were taken away by relatives to be raised. Some were badly abused too. She works as baby sitter from one family to another until she was 19 years old.

When she return from KL back hometown she realize what poverty and lack of education did to people around. From there she said, set her mind that if she has family of her own she will ensure education is priority. So none of her children will walk her path.

Each of my uncle and aunt has their own stories while staying with these relatives. Bottom line growing without a proper family is very painful. From those stories of experience I heard from them...some of this relatives are very much alive..age catch up to them.

I do wonder how do they feel when they saw again the children under their care...that they fail to care for them. I mean don't they feel ashamed...because I do. I don't think I can bring myself to look at any of my mom's siblings eye to eye after all that I have done.

My mom said, his last brother was taken by my grandmother's brother. Badly abused, no school and beat up all the time. Back then there is not such thing as telephone and all. Until one day someone told my eldest uncle...please go and take back your younger brother. Which he did.

I heard about these tale often....only lately I tend to realize deep into it. It is like patching a puzzle. Where there a storm happen in the family...you will realize why it happen. Who and who did what.

Dad on the other hand grew up in a complete set of family....a bit dysfunctional in a way but he is in a pack.
He too has his own tale.

During one of the lunch I had with both my mom and sisters ; my sister told us that she went to fix her car with my dad...while waiting for the mechanic they sat and chat. She said....if only my last uncle is still around..he can do wonders as he is a good mechanic. So many vehicle around nowadays...he can easily make a fortune. My dad could not agree more with of course tears in his eyes....hmmm she and her big mouth. Then mom add....he still cannot let go of this one...the pain remain in his heart forever...carry it to the grave.

We heard...we learned....forgive and move on. A new generation is definitely better than the previous that is a certain.

Last two weeks I went to visit Shan's mom again. Her warmness just makes me count my blessing even more. She too catched up with age...comparing with my parent..her life is much simpler and straight forward.
Still her tale of life is spine chilling too. Especially her marriage life. Lucky for her ; all her sons stand by her side all the time. Safe guard. "Whatever internal issue between me and your father ; he is still your father and all of you to respect that". Strong lady with principal.

I told my mom...if this devilish nephew of mine in the care of Shan's mom....I can guarantee that lady will go in ICU in just days.

Hands on parenting and weekend parenting makes a vast different. City folks mostly are weekends parents. Only time they spend with their children is weekends or school holidays. They don't make much a skill parent. Their baby sitter are on the other hand skillful in the name of earning a living.

I am still down with fever...not much of temperature but inner heat. Drank gallons of water still remain the same. Just go with the flow...seeing medicines just gives me that puke like gestures...I am sick and tired of medication...

Let see what my parent will come up with on this traditional remedies.

My Hari Raya leaved has been approved...starts mid of July I am on night shift all the way till I leave for hometown...


My social policy remain unchanged....mix around but careful to blend in. Just know where your stand is. Better to just watch from a far.

Starlight Serenade

Birthday came and go. I am blessed and thankful to have such a wonderful people around. Felt so loved and cherished.

My special birthday present ...well a new handphone. Kinda of pampered am I ?....Amin ! Amin! I m grateful even there is none for me....the thoughts that count. Furthermore, to have to spend time with your love ones and all those wishes plus prayers...what more could I asked for.

Two of my best buddies also share the same birthday this month. A bit dramatic though...well we are drama queen anyway. Last year we spend time together three of us for lunch. Unable to do so this year..tight schedule and individual plans. Today is Joanna's Birthday and Monday 24th was Sandra's. Gotten both of them a nice garden in a glass from http://www.thesecretgarden.com.my/. Perfect gift for anyone actually.

These flowers are real...alive and can last for about 10 years with proper care.

My gifts...

Life goes on...counting my blessing for what I have been, what I am now and to the future. Taking in to a new level. Be mindful of my choice of words and the heart that whisper...