Stormy Heart....

Ten days flew...tomorrow is my last day of this so call long leave. For sure it was quite an adventure I must say. Seems that I forgot my ground and I was lost in my own world ever since the great storm came and flew me of my throne.

I wish that I've could have pause and take a break to find sanity sooner rather than now that I am thorn between decision. Along the way on my crazy plan to quit and came back home to my parent's dent, a job offer came...not that it is attractive as the pay is not fantastic. What make me ponder is the working time. How I miss the office hour job ...five days a week and nine to five. Did not discuss this yet with my superior...wonder what is he going to do this time...when I tender in on the ground to be with my parent for a while...he attempt to shred the letter...sigh !

I had a good time with my parent with of course a little hick up. Parents are like soul healer...my dad sure give me a piece of his mind about both my plan and my career change. Still thinking of what to do and still undecided.....

It has been a while since I am tormented this way. Maybe my friend is right..I've gone soft and weak. Where do I begin now....need a heart of lion and strength of steel ...

Spent my time painting today....just to easy the stormy heart...

Journey home today....

Dance with My Father

My own creation

my own.... :)

If I could steal a glance...part II

Lazy Monday afternoon....I woke up from slumber..hard to kill habit of the afternoon nap.

This entry is dedicated to a person who emailed me directly today after twenty years apart. This entry is for her...the one that is always on my mind all these while....not one day that I ever forget about her because she was the one who are very close to me...my partner in crime as I can put it.

The past is a gateway to many un-open doors they say, it is true.

I just could not imagine the day would come this soon. In my entry yesterday..with the family pictures I felt 30 years has just gone no where...and now twenty years apart from this partner in crime since like forever.

I miss her a lot personally...she is funny, considerate and very down to earth person in away. Five fingers are not the same..I guess both of us are the different one in the family.

So, in reply to her...here goes....


Wa'alaikumsalam Idah, I am well thank you. Aged but well.....

Thank you very much for reading my blog, didn't aspect anyone to read this piece actually. I wrote what is inside my heart, that's all.

I m not sure where to begin either....though agree to bitterly admit that it is very sad to watch what has happen. I miss our good old days more than anyone every imagine. Skinned knees are fast to heal, just one handy plast away...

Run to the playground using back way because our father and uncle were sitting at Tok's veranda, we sure will be skinned alive if they catch us going there. While we are lost playing on the swing, suddenly Ayah Ngah came with long rotan, pull your elder sister's ear by one side and we all ran home like we want to pee in hour pants..... that's the price of being disobedient.

But that was very fast forgotten, we are into some other mischief for sure.

Just because I was not there during my uncles and aunt called upon by ALLAH, does not mean I did not grieve. I was feeling the same pain when your father was call upon. I did not stop crying for days....its very painful that I can't do many things that I wish I can....May Allah bless his soul and put him among HIS beloved...Al Fatihah.

The next to come was the same pain for me too. It make me cry everytime that I remember all these....
Only Quran ritual and prayers comfort my soul in hoping to do the same for them. Not that I turn into one pious woman...hell no. Age just bring you back closer to religion in away.

It make us realize that our parent time is ending especially when we hit 30s of age.

My dear, there has been too many things happen along the way these past twenty years. We unable to turn back time for sure...my prayers always for everyone to stay well and continue living on correct path so that
none of our generation suffer the same lost like we all do.

We all have our reason dear, family matter is sure one complicate issue. Its a protective instinct that we did when we believe it is a right thing to do, its just not worth it to look back and see who is at fault and who is not.

Sincerely from my heart, I am just glad to see all of you are well and Mak Ngah still very much healthy. May Allah grand her health for many years to come as her children need her as much as I need my parents too....

What has gone let it be gone. Too many heart and soul has wounded, it can't be heal in one day. I have a very soft heart, you are always the one that I miss because we did so many things together and grew up sharing the many things siblings are not fit to do. You are my partner in crime....

Yet, Allah has wills and ways of things for a reason. I don't have the answer to why HE put these into our path of life...maybe one day we will have the answer. If there are no answer I will accept it as faith and lesson learned so that none of our next generation walk this path again.

In the mean time, I would like to hear what you have to say....

By the end of this email my dear..I am still wondering if this is a good thing to do. I shall keep this to myself only as I do not want to open old wounds nor invite unwanted speculation.

take care and stay well...hope to hear from you soon...

l

My parent's home stay... :)

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To give up one's dream it is not hard for anyone...

Scanned this memories while I am at my parents. I really feel like yesterday....too bitter too admit that only one left among this siblings.

Thirty years has gone in a blink, broken into pieces of puzzles. We do not understand many things along the way....until we stand at the same age when this picture was taken. I wonder what actually happen all these while, where and when because its like I just woke up to realize that its gone....just gone..

In a chat with my father yesterday he said....his generation only last slight after 60 years old...that's the most.

He felt that his time is getting closer too....I just kept quiet and swallow bitter gulp. I find very difficult to breathe and can't bear to even digest these painful truth.

No one can prepare for it, I admit at times I do rehearse it....people say practice make perfect and one will get use to it....but why the tears still come. The answer is simple....nobody insane enough to be able to imagine losing good parents.

Nonetheless, I pull myself together and continue to live my life while cherish and honoring my father and my mother. We should not stop living just because of certainty. Who knows maybe along the way I will be me instead. Life and death is not in our hands...

I had crazy idea to just pack up and leave  home with my parent for a while. My dear boss is supportive and also seek my sanity to think about it carefully before making decision. I m on 10 days leave and nothing is more therapeutic to go back into parent's sanctuary.

My plan is working to far until I came to realize that these sanctuary is no more my home. Its just another place for me to stop by and find peace. To live here is not a good idea. Nothing much change here....while I am a changed person. I am the one who step out and carve my own destiny.

This sanctuary is no more than a place of good memory...just like my childhood. Parent will always be parent....they nurse and build us for our own life ahead. Their place is between heaven and hell. Its so balance that sometimes we agree and sometimes we disagree. Either way ...family always come around no matter what. 

Thus, I come into conclusion that its not wise to makeshift my parent's place as my temporary gateway...I have my own heaven and hell...to live back into their I don't think I can make it. When my parent shape us up,we don't fought them back because of our age then.

But now at this age, definitely we tend to answer and hurt them in so many ways because we believe that we had the right to voice out. In their eyes we are still their little child....words are like weapon, it wound beyond heal at times. 

HIM up there always answer my prayers and my doubt in HIS own way. In directly HE is telling me that, HE will do what is best and that please make do whatever you have instead of yearning for what you do not have.

Don't look too much into the future because we will sure forget how to live and appreciate our current beautiful life. 

That day will come for me to grieve of losing my parents....until then I will for sure count my blessing and let go of what that has passed. My childhood memories will remain as such....my youth was young and foolish so that I am aged wisely now.....

To all my aunties, uncle, grandma and grandpa....rest is peace. HE had make right decision to take you guys.  Some of your departure are very much regrettable until today...leave us wishing how I wish on so so many things.... none of us can get over it till today to be honest. Your departure leaves us behind with million lesson to learned from it.

I will continue my journey and carve my future differently so none of my generation to come will walked whatever regrettable path that I once walked.

Moving forward I will live to the fullest again. Take a peek into my past a reminder and look into my future for better living.....most important whatever happen to this life of mine, it meant to be that way. I will strive and exhale for sure....

You don't choose your family.  They are God's gift to you, as you are to them.  ~Desmond Tutu

Having a place to go - is a home.  Having someone to love - is a family.  Having both - is a blessing.  ~Donna Hedges

If I could steal one final glance.....

1.49am....just another normal busy day. One hour earlier Weng called me up if I can take over the night shift tomorrow for one night ; our dear colleague has family urgency that she need to take emergency leave. Erma will take over my day shift. This evening when my night shift colleague walked in with sad expression, I knew something is not right. When she informed that her dear uncle is in ICU now due to heart failure....i can't stop my mind from flashing an image of my own family member.

Lately, that has been my regular vision which I often brushed it off as do not want to get carried away emotionally. My mind tend to travel back in time...my childhood...uncle, aunties, grandparents and cousins...those were the glory days when skinned knees are fast to heal.....even in my dreams I will always find myself in my grandmother's kitchen..over looking her shoulder while she cook then quick to steal home made ice cream from the fridge and ran out to play in the hot sun again....with her voice trailed away. She made those ice cream for selling, small country business. Nothing compares on how sweet it is....

I grew up with strict and discipline surroundings...my father will skin us alive if we are at wrong. So thus my cousins..we all fear of our father. Reason is simple, they are brought up such away by my grandfather. At times it does not even need for them to raise their voice...just one stare enough to make us silent as a mouse. Resulting we all grew up with pride and dignity. I am proud to say that I am no nonsense person...

I miss my childhood very much. Live goes on though...as we all grew up, our dear parents are getting old. I've watched how my father grieve losing his father then his mother. Back then I often wonder, how does he feel not be able to see them anymore.

My dad was not around when his father passed away, I vividly remember the last I saw my grandpa was at the hospital...too little to understand...all I remember that my mother took us there to visit him. He was about to make himself a cup of tea when we arrived. I was busy jumping around when my mother pull us to say goodbye to him and my mother was crying then which I don't understand why.I was at school when my dad came to fetch me and said grandpa passed away honey.

Years passed, we all grew up. Along the way there are so many family dispute. So bad it wounded all of us till today and tear up this small family apart.

The last funeral I visited in my family was my last uncle 15 years ago. Since then not even once that I came back for any of my uncles and my dear auntie. The pain was too much to bear. People say just put aside and come back for last respect. I will say...rather pay a respect when they are around, just because death came knocking will make any different.

At 1am today, my sister called and inform that my uncle passed away....father's brother. It is sad that we can't comeback for it...my father leave to our decisions ...we may come if we want to...I decided...am not going to come back ......come what may,...I will return for sure....its for my parent...not for anyone else.

Now this paternal family of mine left only my dear loving father. Believe it or not....my paternal generation ends here. My father has five siblings....four boys and one girl. There of these boys are married including my father ...they all have baby girls. My auntie is not married...till her dying day. Since all of us cousins are girls....my father's generation ends here.

As bitter as it may.....I will cross that path of losing my own parents too. Growing day by day I learned to understand the many things that I do not understand before as a child.

Day by day I learned to regret the many things that I did when I was young at heart....we spent our youth being away from parent...chasing dreams. When aged came by...we would trade our life even just to have our parent to be with us as long as they can.

For my uncle...Al Fatihah..may Allah bless your soul and put you among HIS blessed. You are a good man....things would have been better for you. Your path are meant to be.....