Tame Lioness: November 2012

"If you want the rainbow, you've got to put up with the rain." - Jimmy Durante

Down with fever...too tired I guess. I just could not push further this morning. Feverish is a bit common for me considering my diagnosed. Antibody just ain't right. No matter how much I try to stay a par, at times its just come without me knowing it. Too many night shift also may be the reason.

I went to see doctor yesterday due to my shoulder blade pain. Its unbearable...too painful. No other factor except for stress. He did remind me about my surgery next year if I had done the appointment. Thank god that one fall into places already. May Allah ease my path through that journey though.

He gave me strong pain killer and asked me to rest. My feverish symptoms already up and running. Refuse any medication, serve me right..this morning I just could not get up. Body pain like hell....went to see him again and he said..Told you so..next time listen.

These few days I am finding an input to upload this blog of mine. Nothing seems to flow..though the thought of several issue..like Karma, religion, faith...I guess I m still finding the reason of why the sudden abandoned by a person whom I thought can be a good guidance in many of religious, heart and soul matters.

My heart ache for an answer...but refusal to seek for it. As I said before, emotion speak greater volume when we are upset. Being a woman, we are full with that. I took time to just step back and think wisely...if I should proceed for clarification. Maybe I will..but for now, I would rather leave it just the way it is.

Too bad...this one not meant to be a teacher for me...I believe our path are crossed for a reason. The least I know and value what I have so much more than ever. The least I see things even more beyond that what I have known before. The least, my faith to bow to my creator is just getting stronger and stronger.

Our path has crossed once....I m sure in time it will crossed again. Maybe the answer and reason is not to be reveal now...I trust my instinct to just let things be. All I can do at this point is to pray and hope he will ever forgive me should of any wrong doing. After all, I am the one without much knowledge....he is equip with it the least many level higher...words and action can wound beyond recall.

Today is my first solat in many months. Feel so good and blessed. Blessed with ability that I have a religion. I have faith and believe. Not many have this ability to hold a faith for God. Be it any religion, for those who has this ability..provided you are equip with true knowledge and not extremist...life is just different. It sort put us into correct state of mind.

What is important when it comes to religious believe...always seek knowledge for it. If you don't know, learn...find the right path.

The world we are living today is without boundary....too many extremist..we just do not know who are they in disguised. If we continue to read too much what these extremist published, we will become part of it. There are no religion in this world that is bad or promote one into in-human. Its human them selves that become an extremist in the absence of knowledge.To condemn it is easy too....but what have we done to make it right ?

I just came to realize after these few days self isolated stormy heart....those who do not have faith and religion...its very difficult to level with. Looking back...all I see in them is only condemn and negativity. Its a wake up call...I shall not anymore be part of it. This is because, when I look around, there are much much more knowledgeable people that able to bring me into the right path.

This blog of mine....I wrote it from my heart in both view....what I see and what I feel. I do not wish nor hope for any words of comfort to worship my credibility. What you see is what you get. If at anytime, my opinion is not right, please educate.....don't just shoot the bullet of me downgrading my caliber...

I am first of all just a face in the crowd....

These few years, I do learned how to count my blessing daily. It makes me even more humble when I was diagnose with that illness. Though its not life threatening, it is enough to repent sort. I felt so sad and embarrassed as I was about to get closer to my creator, it came to me like a slap. Can't help to feel regret of the many time wasting during the foolish days. But there is nothing much I can do either...can't paused and turn back time.

Continue the journey and move forward. My religion is very very beautiful....with that I learned how to respect others too. We all came from different level, faith, language etc....for us to live and respect each other. Just because of some wrong doing and several extremist, we should not stop living and stop believing.

I took much lesson on things that happen in my surrounding too. Recently, I've watch how Karma at its best....what goes around really comes around. There are people who lived in own created world and mind in the absence of their abnormal life. How grateful I am to be able to live in such a wonderful and beautiful surrounding. That I do not have to create and pretend to be what I am not. Its a mind disease...a disease that able to get worse into multi personality disorder.

Our mind are so powerful...we really can make believe anything if we want to. Imagine a person who lived in own un-exist created world....it was so so strong...until it literally blinded him/her from reality. If we put our self in correct state of mind with that strong believe...I can't imagine how great we can be...probably this world is definitelty a better place to live for.

Why I say I watch Karma at its best, because....any wrong doing is not by accident. Its a choice. Every human is born with love, care and pure of heart. No matter how bad our life is, there is always positive and goodness in it...if its not from our own flesh and blood....it is the least from our surrounding...religion, faith and believe....

I was asked once...throw a question such as, those westerners moved away from religion long time ago...from Gothic worship of God place into almost non-existence place. They still advance and very much far ahead comparing to us that still shelter under the wing of faith. Well.....they are advance yes...but how did they become such an advance race ? Knowledge and education...faith and religion still exist..its just not visible into our eyes at times....especially if we are too busy into negativity and condemning one another. Their worship of god may not be Gothic as its used to be but it was never gone.....they are just like us, except for physical appearance, the rest are the same...they also learned, weak, stumble and rise...fool and smart...

The greatest enemy of knowledge is not ignorance, it is the illusion of knowledge - Stephen Hawking

Will continue to walk and put my head high. Seeking knowledge and learned of the daily lesson my creator showed me....for those who stick around and see me through...thank you...for those who decided to leave...have a great journey. Thank you for stopping by and thought me a lesson or two...For a new comer...welcome aboard...its gonna be a bumpy ride but fun as long as you see it with the correct mind.

for those that I chose to leave...I am sorry....I can't dance to your tune anymore....

Tomorrow is a brand new day. Today, day before ..last week...it was quite an experience for me. Many many lesson learned. Still learning, I pray tomorrow will be a good day for me....should it become otherwise....I am still counting my blessing of being alive while others are fighting for survival.

Shall get the original Keffiyeh soon...still looking for it...

I warned you, didn't I ?......

I don't remember exactly when was the last time I woke up with mood swing....the feeling of in need to yelled or punch someone...reason being, I learned how to count my blessing.

The journey alone is enough for me not to put into consideration tiny whinny things. Often I just brushed off those temper silly temper tantrums. When my days are spoil for whatever reason it is...I usually keep to silent. Word wounds beyond weapons. Rather just keep it myself to avoid further catastrophe.

Even if anyone step on my tail...i just choose to pick up my tail and walk off as long as it is not wounded...it should be fine. We can't shut people from talking nor that we can force a person to talk as well. Better to just let things un answered and as it is.

There are many things lately pile up that lead me to feel that I am a cornered rabbit. Things that not done, delayed, your expection failure..people fail you... and list just do on and on...its ticking bomb.

When we are upset, emotion often speak greater volume than what mind has to say. As I said, words wound beyond the conscience of realm....you can't take back what has been said. Silence or retreat often a sweet victory...truth or answer will prevail in no time and things will fall in to places.

Today is the day that my positive level just can't overwrite the pain in my heart. Its a rare situation for me...when I can't pick up myself back...its fatal.

All I want for now is....leave me alone...

Bad moods become bad days, which become bad weeks, which become bad months and years. Before you know it, you’re living an unhappy life and you probably think this is ‘normal’. Its a shame, because life can and should be wonderful. You can transcend the circumstances that are pulling you down … you need only to learn how.”- Brenda Anderson

1. Divert your focus

Sometimes you find yourself in a bad mood for no good reason. It could be because you aren’t doing anything productive. Find a project to focus on. The task doesn’t have to be a long or complicated one. It could be as easy as washing your car or finishing painting the backyard fence.

The point is to find something where you get tangible results. In turn, you will feel gratified, and feeling gratified is a great way to lift a bad mood.

2. Change your body posture

Happy and energetic individuals take big steps, walk faster and stand taller. They seem to exude an endless supply of energy. In sharp contrast, pessimistic, unhappy and lifeless people shuffle their feet, take tiny steps, walk slowly and slouch. They appear lifeless and have burned–out their batteries.

Watch how you carry your body. Use the body-posture of happy, optimistic people, such as take big steps, walk faster and stand taller. Using these techniques will help you become happy and energetic. They are easy to carry out, and will create a positive domino effect with people in your life.

3. Take a break and have a cup of tea

Sit quietly for 15 minutes. And keep your mind blank. Be one with yourself.

Often the silence is enough to change your mood. Sitting quietly keeping your mind off everything brings you back. You can try doing this while having a cup of hot tea.

4. Find something that is guaranteed to make you smile

It might be looking through old photo albums or popping in your all-time favorite movie. Engaging your senses or reliving fond memory is the perfect ticket out of Bad Moodville.

5. Pick some music and listen to it

Almost everyone is familiar with the saying that music soothes the savage beast, and it’s certainly true when the beast is a bad mood.

Music is one of the most effective fast fixes for a bad mood. The next time you’re in a bad mood, try blasting it away with a favorite song. Something that makes you smile and dance will get rid of your blues in a flash, but there are plenty of options beyond a upbeat and cheery tune. To shake off a bad mood, try turning on some seriously angry music like punk rock or heavy metal, and turning it way up.

Misery loves company, and so long as you do it right, a blast of negativity can actually help lift your bad mood! Just take a deep breath when the song is over, and you’ll feel refreshed as your bad mood flies away.

6. Stay in the present

Appreciate the mundane by focusing on the activities you do without thinking like eating, bathing, walking. Take notice of how good the water feels in the shower, how soft or hard the ground feels on your feet as you walk or just silently eat your meal and really taste it.

7. Give

When you're in a bad mood, you may feel like it's all about you. Your problems are so overwhelming that you deserve to dwell in them. Instead of giving in to this way of thinking, just try giving.

Gather up those size 4 clothes that you haven't been able to fit in since high school and donate them to the Salvation Army. Volunteer at the local soup kitchen for a few hours. When you witness other people’s problems, your problems might seem minuscule in comparison, therefore easier to solve.

8. Avoid emotional vampires

Do you attract emotional vampires or losers into your life? Are you a loser magnet?

Emotional vampires and losers literally drain our batteries, slow us down and make us upset. To become happier, optimistic and energetic - avoid emotional vampires. Unhappy people allow “emotional vampires” to suck their positive feelings right out of their skulls. Emotional vampires include people who put you down, criticize or mock you, or sabotage your dreams and aspirations.

Discard or limit people, habits or situations that keep you from feeling optimistic and happy. In other words, burn your bridges’ if needed. Remember: Happy and optimistic people hang around with personal cheerleaders. Unhappy people surround themselves with emotional vampires.

9. Overpower bad mood with an exercise high

This is a great way to relieve bad mood and get those endorphins going. Even if it’s a walk around the block or jogging on the treadmill, exercise has a way of making you feel energized quickly.

You also become more in tune with your body and what it’s actually capable of, making you feel strong and accomplished.

10. Watch what you say - and never say words such as “try”

To begin acting like happy and optimistic people, you need to learn what they do. Optimistic people act and talk in certain ways. For example, they use certain words. The words people use can affect their moods and energy levels. Changing your words can actually change your attitude and feelings. Use “upbeat” words, instead of “upset” words. For example, you can say, “I feel overwhelmed” which is upsetting. Or, you can say, “I feel challenged …nevertheless I can do it” which is upbeat.

One of the most interesting differences between happy and unhappy people is that happy people never or rarely use the word ‘try’ or ‘but.’ These two words leave people feeling hopeless and not in-control of their lives.

Happy people feel hopeful, and take tons of responsibility for their lives. The words ‘try’ and ‘but’ are excuses, and unhappy people have a bad case of excuse-itis.

11. Pack an Emergency Bad Mood Kit

Here is another great tip:

An emergency bad mood kit can mean the difference between spending your day in an angry funk and spending your day feeling vibrant and calm.

To make an emergency bad mood kit, just grab a plastic bag or a small box and fill it with tiny treats that you know will make you feel great. There are lots of different “treats” that will lift a bad mood, so think creatively. A favorite snack can do the trick, but so will something with a lot of sentimental value, or an item that you find particularly aesthetically pleasing.

Whether it’s a photograph of a favorite place, or a morsel of something especially tasty, the fun of breaking open your bad mood kit to discover the fun fast fixes for the blues that you’ve hidden away is sure to bring a smile to your face.

Happiness is a process, something that you have to find and foster just like everything else in your life. So, get off your behind and grab your share of sunshine!

Consider this, how many times have you caught yourself wanting bad things to happen to perpetuate that "Bad Day" you are having? It's time to live consciously and to choose a positive path for ourselves. Once you start the ball rolling in the other direction you will be surprised at how good things can really be!

.......part III

Nigina.....

Nigina

Apakah yang membara

Di hati kecilmu

Kiniku terharu sayu

Nigina

Gadis timang dimanja

Membelai rindu

Melagu harapan seribu

Nigina

Ke sini dan ke sana

Kekosongan menyiksa

Robohnya persada bahagia

Potret dan waktu

Mengusik dikalbu

Mencuit sendu

Kau anak semesta

Impikan keindahan berjuta

Oh... oh... malam meratapi

Lembaran tragedi laramu ini

Kian dilamun ilusi

Kian membakar diri

Kau ibarat kuntum bersemi

Menunggu mentari

Memancar fitrah pagi

Agar mimpi sucimu abadi

"Everyone who is in your life is meant to be a part of that journey but not all of them are meant to STAY"

"Everyone who is in your life is meant to be a part of that journey but not all of them are meant to STAY"

Final night shift. A bit quiet today, still the list of things to do are bee line. Hunger pang strikes ! I went down to 7E just to grab low fat milk. As I approached the store, there was a group of youth with bikes step in.

One of them was limping his way in...my heart just stopped. A memory flashed...I used to know a person in that condition. Young, good hearted, funny youth that was so so dear to me. His condition of limping is due to an accident, resulting a metal implant in his leg.

I did shared about him in one of my entry....can't help to miss him suddenly when I say that youth earlier....
He is one of few regrets that I have....

Of the many things that I remember of him is, every day he will asked me for RM2.00 before he goes off for the day. Big hearted boy he is....every time his pay cheque cleared without a second thought he will spend us for tea like banana fritters or Mexican bread...there was 15 of us in the call centre..every one gets its.
For a dispatch person, he is one of a kind. He is super nice to me as well...considering the daily RM2.00 I guess...I can asked him to do anything and everything be it work related or personal. No matter how busy or how tight up his schedule is, he will always make time for me.

During my fresh graduate sister took a temporary job in my office, he was extra extra nice then. He once asked me..Sis, what is not right on me ?..everything ok, handsome, kind hearted, responsible...the only thing not right is my leg"..left me roar with laughter. He text, call ..name it..on daily basis...it was never a dull moment when is around.

His favourite singer was Jamal Abdillah....daily basis I get free entertainment from his not so superb voice..there after..RM2.00 from me as token of appreciation...he sang without being asked then I am to give him RM2.00 for that.... :-)..i miss him so...............

Then I was offer another job, decided to leave the company. New job has taken my time maximum. With the training and all. He still keeping in touch but I deny him most of the time...busy bee...

I was late evening on Thursday mid year of 2007...he call me and I brushed him off as I was busy. His last word before slamming down the phone was ...YOU ARE ALWAYS TOO BUSY FOR ME.

At that point I said...never mind over the weekend I will talk to him..which I did not...the intuition came knocking to me several times that weekend but I ignore it.

Back to work the week after...Tuesday evening...I received a phone call ...he passed away...accident !
I was ending my work that day...literary passed out...I collapse...too shock of news...

All I want him to know is...I m sorry and I love him for a brother he is to me....just these two things...
Me and my sister did not talk about him until many years later....for me...his death still haunt me till today...

I will always remember his goofiness and all the lame jokes he used to crack up....

if only i made that call ....

You're still here in my heart and mind,

still making me laugh cause your stories live on.

I hold you in a thought and I can feel you.

I feel you and this gives me strength and courage. ..........

.........part II

Link : http://edition.cnn.com/2012/11/14/middleeast/gallery/gaza-strike/index.html?hpt=hp_inthenews

Israeli soldiers gather next to their armored bulldozers stationed on Israel's border with Gaza on Saturday, November 17

Bring it on !.................

Second night shift.....with gazzillion things to do. I am already bonkers. Breathe in breathe out...do one at a time. Decided to quickly do this entry while the input are still fresh in my mind.

My new working colleague literary 'jammed' and 'lost'. Tough day for him. Well, that's how it is on weekend plus you are on your own. I remember during one of my weekend day shift...swear to God I was thinking of giving up. There are so much I can do ....and it was too much then...too much.

Paused and re-think back. If making decision by the emotion, it will lead to many regrets later. I am still here and actively seeking a new field. Won't come that easy usually as we are looking for it.

This colleague of mine, before he left...came to me with puppy face...."I need a hug"..awwww...there ,..there, you poor thing. I advise him, don't worry about it...I have walked the same path too. As long as you have the correct state of mind and know what you are doing ..everything else will fall into places. Learn and learn...

Path of life is like that, its not like we are born with 'life Manual" for us to refer to. The in direct manual I guess is religion, believe and faith. Pricks of life at times is so unbearable yet once you over come it...the sweet victory is priceless.

The one who conquer ...fight and win...its bitter sweet....nothing else matters. Even a person come and try to bring you down...it don't work on me anymore nowadays....I am what I am... your approval is not needed...

My days are not bed of roses either, but I am not that easy to broken as well. Learned over the years how to love myself and carved my path carefully. If along the way stumble, hit by the bus, lorry or drown...get the hell up...dust myself and walk tall.

No matter what situation you are into...always think quickly and wisely...either you benefit out of it or you need to escape form it. Don't sit too long for the sake of comfort or fear...it will eat us up slowly....

How long am I going to be here..I m not sure...but one thing for sure..I will be at my 200% best as long as I am here... :)

Positive attitude, correct state of mind and self confidence are contagious....so, ensure your circle of people are right...

Who am I.....

She's the girl that believes that what comes around goes around. The one that hopes for a better day. The one that won't give up on you. She's the girl thats unlike the rest. The one that spent her days smiling, and her nights crying. she's the girl that would love to be loved. The one that looks so damn strong, but feels so weak. She's the girl that picks herself up every time she falls...

.... if you can't handle me at my worst....

“I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.”

― Marilyn Monroe

Silent night....or rather morning. I am finding peace with my soul....too quiet and felt a bit restless these few days. Even my lover's presence fail to cheer me up. PMS I guess...

Through the entire morning I just read back all those years of my journey and came to conclussion...these are things that need to be done...

1) I m homesick...miss my parent..need to go back

2) I miss my travelling days..northern light or not...I need a holiday..

3) Take a look at my Book of Possibilities...my dream and wishes...

4) Buy new books...I finished everything that is on shelves at home ages ago...

5) Master the art of positiveness to another level..

6) Determination ....put maximum determination on this new project of mine...I've achieved it once, can do it again

7) New Job....new field, new pay and new surroundings.

8) New home ...

9) Outing...need more of this

10) Friends...hmm I have a good circle of these wonderful humans..don't mind a new ones too...

These two years, my life in away a bit confined. Apart from shift work that add on to it, I am at home most of the time, either reading, sleep, lappy, swimming...that's it. ...

You.Are.Amazing.

As. you. are.

Stronger than you know.

More beautiful than you think.

Worthier than you believe.

More loved than you can ever imagine.

Passionate about making a difference.

Fiery when protecting those you love.

Learning. Growing. Not alone.

Warm. Giving. Generous.

Quirky. Sexy. Funny. Smart.

Flawed. Whole. Scared. Brave.