"If you want the rainbow, you've got to put up with the rain." - Jimmy Durante

Down with fever...too tired I guess. I just could not push further this morning. Feverish is a bit common for me considering my diagnosed. Antibody just ain't right. No matter how much I try to stay a par, at times its just come without me knowing it. Too many night shift also may be the reason. 

I went to see doctor yesterday due to my shoulder blade pain. Its unbearable...too painful. No other factor except for stress. He did remind me about my surgery next year if I had done the appointment. Thank god that one fall into places already. May Allah ease my path through that journey though.

He gave me strong pain killer and asked me to rest. My feverish symptoms already up and running. Refuse any medication, serve me right..this morning I just could not get up. Body pain like hell....went to see him again and he said..Told you so..next time listen.

These few days I am finding an input to upload this blog of mine. Nothing seems to flow..though the thought of several issue..like Karma, religion, faith...I guess I m still finding the reason of why the sudden abandoned by a person whom I thought can be a good guidance in many of religious, heart and soul matters.

My heart ache for an answer...but refusal to seek for it. As I said before, emotion speak greater volume when we are upset. Being a woman, we are full with that. I took time to just step back and think wisely...if I should proceed for clarification. Maybe I will..but for now, I would rather leave it just the way it is. 

Too bad...this one not meant to be a teacher for me...I believe our path are crossed for a reason. The least I know and value what I have so much more than ever. The least I see things even more beyond that what I have known before. The least, my faith to bow to my creator is just getting stronger and stronger. 

Our path has crossed once....I m sure in time it will crossed again. Maybe the answer and reason is not to be reveal now...I trust my instinct to just let things be. All I can do at this point is to pray and hope he will ever forgive me should of any wrong doing. After all, I am the one without much knowledge....he is equip with it the least many level higher...words and action can wound beyond recall.

Today is my first solat in many months. Feel so good and blessed. Blessed with ability that I have a religion. I have faith and believe. Not many have this ability to hold a faith for God. Be it any religion, for those who has this ability..provided you are equip with true knowledge and not extremist...life is just different. It sort put us into correct state of mind.

What is important when it comes to religious believe...always seek knowledge for it. If you don't know, learn...find the right path. 

The world we are living today is without boundary....too many extremist..we just do not know who are they in disguised. If we continue to read too much what these extremist published, we will become part of it. There are no religion in this world that is bad or promote one into in-human. Its human them selves that become an extremist in the absence of knowledge.To condemn it is easy too....but what have we done to make it right ? 

I just came to realize after these few days self isolated stormy heart....those who do not have faith and religion...its very difficult to level with. Looking back...all I see in them is only condemn and negativity. Its a wake up call...I shall not anymore be part of it. This is because, when I look around, there are much much more knowledgeable people that able to bring me into the right path.

This blog of mine....I wrote it from my heart in both view....what I see and what I feel. I do not wish nor hope for any words of comfort to worship my credibility. What you see is what you get. If at anytime, my opinion is not right, please educate.....don't just shoot the bullet of me downgrading my caliber...

I am first of all just a face in the crowd....

These few years, I do learned how to count my blessing daily. It makes me even more humble when I was diagnose with that illness. Though its not life threatening, it is enough to repent sort. I felt so sad and embarrassed as I was about to get closer to my creator, it came to me like a slap. Can't help to feel regret of the many time wasting during the foolish days. But there is nothing much I can do either...can't paused and turn back time.

Continue the journey and move forward. My religion is very very beautiful....with that I learned how to respect others too. We all came from different level, faith, language etc....for us to live and respect each other. Just because of some wrong doing and several extremist, we should not stop living and stop believing.

I took much lesson on things that happen in my surrounding too. Recently, I've watch how Karma at its best....what goes around really comes around. There are people who lived in own created world and mind in the absence of their abnormal life. How grateful I am to be able to live in such a wonderful and beautiful surrounding. That I do not have to create and pretend to be what I am not. Its a mind disease...a disease that able to get worse into multi personality disorder. 

Our mind are so powerful...we really can make believe anything if we want to. Imagine a person who lived in  own un-exist created world....it was so so strong...until it literally blinded him/her from reality. If we put our self in correct state of mind with that strong believe...I can't imagine how great we can be...probably this world is definitelty a better place to live for. 

Why I say I watch Karma at its best, because....any wrong doing is not by accident. Its a choice. Every human is born with love, care and pure of heart. No matter how bad our life is, there is always positive and goodness in it...if its not from our own flesh and blood....it is the least from our surrounding...religion, faith and believe....

I was asked once...throw a question such as, those westerners moved away from religion long time ago...from Gothic worship of God place into almost non-existence place. They still advance and very much far ahead comparing to us that still shelter under the wing of faith. Well.....they are advance yes...but how did they become such an advance race ? Knowledge and education...faith and religion still exist..its just not visible into our eyes at times....especially if we are too busy into negativity and condemning one another. Their worship of god may not be Gothic as its used to be but it was never gone.....they are just like us, except for physical appearance, the rest are the same...they also learned, weak, stumble and rise...fool and smart...

The greatest enemy of knowledge is not ignorance, it is the illusion of knowledge - Stephen Hawking

Will continue to walk and put my head high. Seeking knowledge and learned of the daily lesson my creator showed me....for those who stick around and see me through...thank you...for those who decided to leave...have a great journey. Thank you for stopping by and thought me a lesson or two...For a new comer...welcome aboard...its gonna be a bumpy ride but fun as long as you see it with the correct mind.

for those that I chose to leave...I am sorry....I can't dance to your tune anymore....

Tomorrow is a brand new day. Today, day before ..last week...it was quite an experience for me. Many many lesson learned. Still learning, I pray tomorrow will be a good day for me....should it become otherwise....I am still counting my blessing of being alive while others are fighting for survival.

Shall get the original Keffiyeh soon...still looking for it...