Tough week !...from friday last week till now i am so restless. Dateline that i set up for all things that I need to do has already up and all those list are stil NOT DONE !...i manage to re-sechedule my appointment to next week 3rd Sept 2010 instead of this Saturday. Hope I can get all the things needed before that. Its not easy though but I have to do it.
Reint has abandoned me for 3 solid days. Unsure whats the problem ; at the back of my mind does think that he don' t want to do this anymore. I mean if thats the case just tell me , no need to leave me high and dry everyday at 4am. My determination is very firm ; with or without him i still continue on the routine. Not wander around but more on body tone. Arms and back is now pain like hell..but am happy cause I manage to push all the way of waking up at 4am daily.
I had an email conversation with one of good buddy. He is in Penang now, I can't remember how long already he is there but its been a while is all I can say. We have our own rise and down fall ; mine i know hit me the most...still unable to walk straight up as the burden is huge rockshell on my back...sorting things out as i continue living. He has similar issue too. I shared what I can ; the art of LOVING YOURSELF...the shield with auto activated. We won't allow any kind of pain to come to us. Become very defensive.
From the conversation that I had with him; he sound full with anger and frustration rather than loving himself. Take time to heal...nothing comes easy. Pushing limits apply to certain things..not all things we can do this. I can't deny the fact that he is trying his level best to stay afloat.
Above all what I believe is ; take time to heal. Communicate with your own soul, calmly..not with anger cause it triggers the mind to rebel. Be patience, and gather as much as remedy to heal the soul...I did lots of reading, listen to happy songs, re-connect with all those that i lost over the years, stay close with family and keep all the good friends around.
The most beutiful thing that I am able to do is...i can sit alone and do nothing for hours...enjoy the silent. Of course later on I get kinda bored ; longing for a partner and I am blessed to have him with me. Hick up does happen ; we just keep the fight clean and get dirty on the intimacy.... :)
Lately, eversince I activate my hotmail back ; all those long lost contact came back. Its been a while since I received overseas call...makes me feel good and happy. They still treat me well. One more from Dubai to Greece and one moved from Kuwait to Oman...just now I found one more ...he is still in Melboune..feels good in a way... ;)
I hope more to come ; miss the good old glory days.
And now I got to sit down and sort back all my mess. Be prepare even for the unpredictable like what happen on Sunday resulting all my dateline turn upside down.
Shan is not too happy i know about the way I handle things. Can't help ..am trying my level best to sort and manage it. Its not easy for me after all these years of being just running away for it..suddenly need to face everything. It takes lots of courage to do it. Accepting your own mistake is already a big thing. I do love him with my heart and soul. Blessed that he is around to mend me in away. i just hope he does have the patient to do it. I can be handful at times...
Am taking a deep breath..am about to drown just ensuring I have enough oxygen in case I sank again this time.
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